I used to hate Mondays because that was the day that every other human being on the planet trotted off to work, all productive and stuff. Now I remember that just because you have a job does not necessarily indicate any level of productivity on your part.
For instance, you could have spent a significant part of this morning struggling to work on a project that sucked so hard it created its own gravity field. You could have thrown your hands up in despair and turned to drown your sorrows in a raspberry Emer'gen-C (mmm...vitaminy) only to find that one of the office cats has decided to come sit by your chair and bore little holes into your brain with a freakishly intense stare. You could then have spent an even longer amount of time watching the cat wind itself into various complicated origami shapes while staring at you. At some point, you could have decided that was getting boring and turn back to the project, only to find the gravitational field had pulled in some goldfish crackers, which you really needed to attend to.
It's slow going today because practically the entire office is gone, off to a nerd convention in San Jose. Ok, it's not really a nerd convention, it's a developer conference - tomato tomahto. All week the engineering yang of the office will be missing. It'll be all yin, all the time, baby. I might even tape over their Next Generation shows or something. Heh.
Although we've had some knockout weather lately, this weekend was disappointingly vintage Northwest. Blustery, rainy, dreary. I had all this perky little plans for what to do while we were on Orcas, like renting bikes and taking kayak tours - and we couldn't do anything. It was fun, don't get me wrong, but here's a big old middle finger for the rain gods. Fuckers.
Even with nasty weather, the islands are so beautiful it's almost ridiculous. Everything is an otherworldly shade of green, luscious and vibrant. You pass by pastoral scenes that beg to be photographed and displayed in expensive coffee table books. Eagles fly overhead, rabbits hop across the roads, spring lambs frolic in fields. All that you see is somehow fractal in design; the smallest ditch is exactly like the surrounding hills- wet, mossy, layered with foliage and rocky outcroppings.
Orcas Island is probably one of the most perfect places in the world. And you can get a marionberry margarita there that is so good your tongue will curl up and refuse to be tainted with any other substandard flavor ever again.
So this funny thing happened yesterday. We had arrived back home in the early evening, and I ran across the street to the little convenience store to get some soda. I headed back to the soft drink refrigerator and there was this chubby guy right where I needed to be. So I said excuse me, and he said no no excuse ME, and all that jazz, and he moved across the aisle. Ok. So RIGHT as he moves, he cuts one. Cuts a big one. Cuts this insane fart that lasted for like 10 seconds. All staccato machine gun bursts to start with and ending with a lengthy wheeze.
It was like this: "Ba-RUP! Pup! Pup! Pup! Pup! Pup! Pupupupupupupupupfffuufffffffff".
Incredibly. Shocked. Moment. Ensues.
I basically stood frozen for a second, gaping at him through the door of the fridge that I was holding open. I mean, I just couldn't believe the sheer volume of his wind-breakage. That was the loudest and most varied fart I've ever heard or experienced. He squeaked out yet another 'excuse me', one frought with new embarrassing meaning. He seemed to be turning a deep maroon color. I actually mumbled something like "don'tworryaboutit" before bolting at top speed for the counter at the front of the store.
Not sure what that guy had been eating, but CHRIST. Beano, dude. BEANO.
05.02.2002 - So anyway, it's been a year and I'm just staggered by the passage of time, once more.
04.30.2002 - There's a reason why my lungs
have collapsed and I am jamming a Bic pen into my trachea to
get more air.
04.28.2002 - Are
Swedish people just naturally tidier and more efficient and tending
towards metal accents and birch countertops?
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004