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12.23.2004 - 1:23 p.m.


One of my biggest fears (besides having a spider spelunk gently into my open sleeping mouth at night) is that JB's brother Joe, who is 4 years younger than JB, will have kids before we do. He's had the same girlfriend for a while now, it could TOTALLY HAPPEN. And what with JB wanting kids so badly and all, and his parents probably getting shit all the time from family and friends ("When are JB and Sundry going to give you two some grandkids?"), well, I'm just saying that I am not ready for that particular emotional mix tape. The pressure cooker is already ON, dammit, I don't need it cranked ANY FURTHER.

So I can tell you that when Joe's girlfriend opened a tiny white box last weekend, gasped, and turned a starry gaze to Joe, I was not filled with a warm glowing warming glow for the two of them. In fact, I noticed that my lungs appeared to be climbing their way up my throat, ready to make a pink and veiny appearance.

Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. But a ring means a wedding and sometimes, for some people, weddings mean babies, like, right away. The pressure! Can't breathe! Lungs...too...veiny!

I don't even want to know what sort of horrible expression I had fixed on my face, I'm sure it was some death-rictus version of a smile, but when she opened the box and I saw the wink of blue (sapphire earrings! THANK YOU, LORD) I was able to relax my cramped facial muscles and sincerely praise his choice in jewelry.

Yesterday at work I noticed our massage therapist was looking extremely dark-skinned compared to the rest of us Seattle fishbellies, and when I mentioned it, she told me she'd been tanning. "Although," she said, pulling her hair behind an ear, "maybe these are making me look a little different." I can't say that diamond earrings make someone look like they've spent fourteen hours fake-n-baking, but they were very beautiful and I can't fault her for the awkward segue - when you have pretty new things, I guess you want people to notice, and if they don't, sometimes you have to bloody well hit them over the head with it. "Now I just need the ring to match," she trilled, holding out her bare left hand.

Val has been with the same guy for years, and she's been waiting and waiting for that ring to show up. She told me that when she unwrapped the earring box, she thought ohgodthisisIT, and that while she loved the earrings, she was glad she didn't open the box in front of her family.

You never know what's going through people's minds, do you.

(JB gave me a pair of diamond studs a couple years ago, and would you fucking believe I lost one? It didn't fall from my ear or anything, those suckers came with a back that screwed on, but I wore them to a wedding in Oregon and decided the best method of transport for getting them home was to put them in my wallet. It wasn't until days and days later that I remembered, and sure enough, one was AWOL, probably tossed to the four winds when I pulled out a quarter. God, I suck.)

I doubt Joe's girlfriend is tapping her foot on Joe's proposal, she's only 21 or something, but I bet when she got that box, just for a minute her heart changed its beat. And me, her potential sister-in-law, quietly having an aneurism next to her on the couch. I'd have loved for that moment to be frozen in time, with a thought balloon above everyone's head.

JOE: Shit, I hope she doesn't think it's a ring.
HIS GIRLFRIEND: Is...this....?
JB: Aw.
JB's PARENTS: Jesus, maybe we'll finally get some grandchildren.


JB and I exchanged some of our presents last weekend, with our "big" gifts to each other waiting for Christmas day. I gave him some books on shipwrecks in the Pacific Coast, because god knows he wants to dive each and every one of them (has he never heard of GIANT SQUID? I married a lunatic), and he gave me some Jhonen Vasquez comic books, because I am a dork, and Opium perfume, because I smell awesome.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday coming up. JB and I are going on an Argosy dinner cruise tonight, to see all the decorated ships out in the lakes, then tomorrow night we're going to my aunt's house, and on Christmas day we're doing brunch at our house. Good times.

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10 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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