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2002-02-28 -

Thursday
I got a hilarious pet supply catalog in the mail yesterday. I suppose it's not meant to be funny. I guess there must be people who wait breathlessly by the mailbox to get their Foster & Smith 'zine so they can reorder a supply of VitaCoat Plus with Delicious Bacon Flavor that they secretly eat themselves. It's the pictures that really kill me. Check this out:

The toys are bigger than the DOG. And the copy says "Dogs like nothing more than the feel of soft fleece with a squeaker underneath." What the hell is going on here? They like NOTHING MORE? And the squeaker underneath, that's essential? Dogs would snub the soft fleece on its own? Come on, wouldn't dogs wouldn't rather chew their own butts? I mean, that's been my experience.

Notice when you really take a gander at the abnormally small dog, its face seems a little..off? Its right eye seems to have a robotically alert expression, while the left eye suggests a world weary 'once again they have misunderstood my needs' look.

Here is a nifty gadget for the caring pet owner who has TOTALLY LOST THEIR MIND. You wear this contraption, you have robbed all dignity from your pet and yourself. Even babies look dumb in these.

"Baby did a bad bad thing." Be honest, doesn't this dog look just a little bit like Billy Joel?

The other funny thing about this catalog is that almost every page has a line in huge letters that vaguely sounds like porn. Like:
…tasty flavors that DON'T STAIN!
Natural chews made from beef muscle.

And my favorite: Seven Inches of Firm Support - 2 Ways!

By the way, if you spend your morning scanning in retardo photos from a pet supply catalog...you have way too much time on your hands.

:::

So I went to the dentist yesterday. It's been a while, so I had to get the whole Xray deal done. A grouchy hygienist sits me down in the awkward lean-back chair, and looms over me asking "Do you GAG easily?". A whole googolplex of naughty replies went through my head but I restrained myself. Well, I don't think so, I say.

"The best way to avoid GAGGING is to concentrate on your breathing." Crabby McSnippety says. Now I'm becoming concerned. Are they going to insert a toilet snake down my throat or something? No, but it definitely was uncomfortable. She rammed many many plastic doohickeys in my mouth to do the various Xrays, bitching at me when I bit "too hard" or "not hard enough".

Reminded me of that Far Side cartoon, where the dentists have all these things in a guy's mouth, and one says something like "Just for fun, Mr. So-and-so, we're going to see if we can also get these 3 tennis balls in there."

The actual dentist whisked in for about a nanosecond, carrying an air of extreme importance, like maybe he was in the middle of a live Discovery Channel televised root canal. Then I was sent off for a cleaning by another hygienist, who had fake eyelashes so long they were all kind of mushed up against her glasses. She took a deep breath when I sat down and must never have inhaled again because she talked nonstop the entire time with no discernible punctuation or continuity.

"So you're 28 well I am 50 and let me tell you you have a whole life ahead of you I mean you could live until 100 because a lot of people are doing that now and just think of that 75 whole years to go practically and what I want you to remember from visiting me is that flossing isn't just getting that piece of chicken out oh no it's definitely a horse of a different color I mean what if you took a shower every day you get everything all clean I mean you wash the gee whiz out of yourself but you miss your hair then your hair would get a lot of buildup over time I like that Tom Brokaw he seems like a straight shooter."

I just laid there thinking, did she just use the phrase 'gee whiz' as an adjective?

go back ::: forward

Did you want to read about:

2002-02-27 - I heard the gelatinous-face-with-cat-hairs-stuck-to-it look was de rigueur this season.
2002-02-25 - I think it is entirely possible I have gained 10 pounds.
2002-02-22 - we're hitting the road this morning

0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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