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05.29.2002 - 9:03 a.m.

Wednesday

Well, here I am - Day 3 in the new place. It's been fanfuckingtabulous. Peace and quiet, lots of room, *2* bathrooms (hurray!). Every little part of my daily home life has improved in some manner. There's a dishwasher! A washer and dryer! A computer desk that no longer slowly transforms me into a gnome! Coffee in the morning in the backyard with birds chirping! Instead of sirens blaring! I can't stop using exclamation marks!

Life has also improved for the cat. Now she can finally go outside and prowl around, plus she has myriad boxes and closets and cupboards to slink into. Except she is still FAT, and watching her mush herself into small spaces is pretty damn hilarious. JB swears he saw her cram herself through this tiny opening in the gate by taking a running start at it, getting stuck, then backing up and rushing at it again.

Also there are squirrels who love to taunt the cat. I watched her in the backyard this morning getting scolded by a squirrel about 5 feet from her.

Squirrel (clearly disdainful of the pudgy black blob in front of it):"Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!!"
Cat (not at all confident in her ability to catch the squirrel and somewhat unsure what would happen if she did): STARE

(repeat)

The only mar on our perfect little universe right now is arachnophobia. When we started moving stuff in on Sunday, I found a rather large spider in the tub. No big deal, that's totally normal, just a spider, ha-ha, getafuckingbroomNOW, I told myself.

So then Monday evening, as I was walking out of the bedroom I saw something on the carpet that caused me to levitate about 5 feet upwards. Standing on the bed, I called to JB.

"JB? There is a spider in here THE SIZE OF MY FUCKING HEAD." I said, casually.

JB came in. Mind you, JB has, among other things, gutted elks, played with wolf eels, and helped to recover the body of a drowned scuba diver. He is NOT squeamish. However, upon seeing this spider, he turned somewhat pale and shouted "HOLY SHIT! Where did that thing come from?"

"Hell," I moaned. "We obviously have a portal to Hell where horrible horrible creatures can crawl into our house."

This spider was seriously ginormous. I expected Steve the Crocodile Hunter to leap out of our closet: "Wow, isn't he a rippa? A real beauty, this one!"

"I'll get a broom. Do NOT take your eyes off of it," JB instructed me before tearing off down the hallway.

Don't look away. Don't look away. Don't look hey is that a WEB up there? No, just a - fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Where the hell did it go? Uh oh…

"Why is it gone? Why is it gone?"
"I just looked away for a second I swear to GOD! I thought I saw a-"
"NOW we're screwed. Now we're going to spend the whole damn night tearing apart the house just because you looked away."
"I'm sorry! I…FAILED IN MY DUTY."
"Wait, there it is. AAUURRRGGHH!!!"

WHAP.

So now, even though I haven't seen one since, I am a little paranoid about walking around. Plus I check the bed about 48191749248 times before getting in. We're thinking of calling an exterminator.

Because a spider that big? NOT OK. I don't care if it's name is Charlotte and it spins Lotto numbers in its web.

The last thing to be delivered is our leather couches, which should be arriving this morning. We're finally kicking our shabby blue crap-seats to the curb. Oh yeah. Leather, baby. Pretty soon we'll be on MTV Cribs.

"Well, here's the kitchen where we get our eat on. Let's check out the fridge…yeah, gots to have my Yoplait. Now the living room, where me and my homies like to chill on the cowhide. Oh, meet my pal the giant spider."

go back ::: forward

05.25.2002 - We are going to rush right over and just sort of walk around and touch things and whisper "ours".
05.22.2002 - I'm sure there are some wild parties and sexy escrow conventions you go to and stuff.
05.19.2002 - And speaking of the cat (for a change. *cough*)

0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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