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09.08.2004 - 8:20 p.m.


Earlier in the summer, I experienced a tragic wardrobe malfunction. My tried-and-true swimsuit, the utilitarian onepiece that both waxed and waned with my body shape over the last 10+ years, that hid my belly while providing a somewhat flattering line to my hips, it...well, it broke.

The suit had a zipper running down the front, from the cleavage to midsection. I always thought this was a good solution for the problem of fitting a fabric to your skin without any of the awkward sausage casing results some swimsuits offer. Plus, I liked being able to unzip the suit and step aside in order to remove it, instead of spending an inordinate amount of time peeling.

While I was suiting up for our whitewater rafting trip on the Umpqua river back in August, the zipper suddenly broke off in my hand with a small metallic ping. I thought I could get away with wearing it as is and deploying a pincer hold to move the zipper up and down, but something basic to the clasping function of the zipper had fallen apart. If I so much as inhaled, the top of my suit came undone. If I raised my arms above my head, not one, but both of my boobs emerged and performed a vigorous halftime show of their very own.

Since I was stuck with no replacement swimsuit, I made do with the only thing I could find - a tiny gold safety pin, the sort included in a travel sewing kit, which I closed at the top of the zipper. The entire day that we were on the river, I kept one eye on my chest region, tensing for the moment that the pin would fly apart under the pressure, but thankfully everything held (my backup plan involved either 1) throwing myself face first into the bottom of the raft, or 2) leaping directly into a churning rapid, neither of which provided much of a long term solution to the peeping boobage problem).

Now I'm faced with the dire need to find a replacement suit. I do own other swimsuits, but each has its list of faults. There's the tankini, which does a good job of minimizing my, ah, figure challenges, but it can really only be worn for an hour at a time before its halter string top style puts an undue amount of strain on my neck (the boobs, they are heavy!). There's the bikini with boyshort bottoms, which would be great if I had a whole lot less bottom to hide. And there's the snakeskin print suit that I bought after blindfolding myself and taking a long, deep hit from a crack pipe, or at least that's the only explanation I can come up with now.

I hate hate hate shopping for swimsuits, but when the alternative is depending on the staying power of a damn safety pin, I guess it's time. Also, I deeply horrified JB this past weekend by accepting his mother's offer to loan me her suit. Granted, I can see his point of view - and it WAS a little disconcerting to find that the suit essentially fit. I slipped it on and looked at myself, a 30 year old woman wearing a frumpy onepiece that covered 89% of my body and included a flowered skirt to boot.

JB: "You know what? That is just reallllllllllly not working for me. For years I've seen my mom wearing that suit. Please, please don't wear that suit. In fact, I am just going to close my eyes and picture you in a thong in order to combat the mental damage this suit is doing. La la la la."

Anyone have any suggestions for where to find a suit that doesn't render my husband impotent, yet does a good job of hiding/supporting/presenting the various curves I posses? Hmmm?


P.S. For those of you who notice things like this, I want to admit that I deleted some recent past entries that I felt divulged a little too much info about my private life. I can't begin to express how grateful I am for the supportive comments and emails I've received in response to posting some intensely personal journal entries, and I hope I'm not letting anyone down by taking them off of Diaryland. There's just some stuff that's a little too close to the heart, I guess. If you have any questions, I'm always available (if sometimes embarrassingly slow to respond) by email.

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29 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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