09.08.2004 - 8:20 p.m.
Earlier in the summer, I experienced
a tragic wardrobe malfunction. My tried-and-true swimsuit, the
utilitarian onepiece that both waxed and waned with my body shape
over the last 10+ years, that hid my belly while providing a
somewhat flattering line to my hips, it...well, it broke.
The suit had a zipper running
down the front, from the cleavage to midsection. I always thought
this was a good solution for the problem of fitting a fabric
to your skin without any of the awkward sausage casing results
some swimsuits offer. Plus, I liked being able to unzip the suit
and step aside in order to remove it, instead of spending an
inordinate amount of time peeling.
While I was suiting up for
our whitewater rafting trip on the Umpqua river back in August,
the zipper suddenly broke off in my hand with a small metallic
ping. I thought I could get away with wearing it as is
and deploying a pincer hold to move the zipper up and down, but
something basic to the clasping function of the zipper had fallen
apart. If I so much as inhaled, the top of my suit came undone.
If I raised my arms above my head, not one, but both of my boobs
emerged and performed a vigorous halftime show of their very
Since I was stuck with no replacement
swimsuit, I made do with the only thing I could find - a tiny
gold safety pin, the sort included in a travel sewing kit, which
I closed at the top of the zipper. The entire day that we were
on the river, I kept one eye on my chest region, tensing for
the moment that the pin would fly apart under the pressure, but
thankfully everything held (my backup plan involved either 1)
throwing myself face first into the bottom of the raft, or 2)
leaping directly into a churning rapid, neither of which provided
much of a long term solution to the peeping boobage problem).
Now I'm faced with the dire
need to find a replacement suit. I do own other swimsuits, but
each has its list of faults. There's the tankini, which does
a good job of minimizing my, ah, figure challenges, but
it can really only be worn for an hour at a time before its halter
string top style puts an undue amount of strain on my neck (the
boobs, they are heavy!). There's the bikini with boyshort bottoms,
which would be great if I had a whole lot less bottom to hide.
And there's the snakeskin print suit that I bought after blindfolding
myself and taking a long, deep hit from a crack pipe, or at least
that's the only explanation I can come up with now.
I hate hate hate shopping for
swimsuits, but when the alternative is depending on the staying
power of a damn safety pin, I guess it's time. Also, I deeply
horrified JB this past weekend by accepting his mother's offer
to loan me her suit. Granted, I can see his point of view - and
it WAS a little disconcerting to find that the suit essentially
fit. I slipped it on and looked at myself, a 30 year old woman
wearing a frumpy onepiece that covered 89% of my body and included
a flowered skirt to boot.
JB: "You know what? That
is just reallllllllllly not working for me. For years
I've seen my mom wearing that suit. Please, please don't wear
that suit. In fact, I am just going to close my eyes and picture
you in a thong in order to combat the mental damage this suit
is doing. La la la la."
Anyone have any suggestions
for where to find a suit that doesn't render my husband impotent,
yet does a good job of hiding/supporting/presenting the various
curves I posses? Hmmm?
P.S. For those of you who notice
things like this, I want to admit that I deleted some recent
past entries that I felt divulged a little too much info about
my private life. I can't begin to express how grateful I am for
the supportive comments and emails I've received in response
to posting some intensely personal journal entries, and I hope
I'm not letting anyone down by taking them off of Diaryland.
There's just some stuff that's a little too close to the heart,
I guess. If you have any questions, I'm always available (if
sometimes embarrassingly slow to respond) by email.
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004