04.27.2004 - 7:14 p.m.
Lately I've been thinking I
should produce an advice column. No, not the "Please help
me with my horribly convoluted social problem" sort, because
yeah, not so much with the answers to that shit, but more of
a Helpful Hints type thing intended to bestow my PROFOUND wisdom
upon the earth.
Yes, I may be unable to grasp
the most basic mathematical concept...I may have only the vaguest
notion of the earth's geography....I may occasionally lapse into
long mouthbreathing comas where I ponder the outcome of this
season's Survivor - but by god, I am a student of life.
Every single day, I learn something
new. And why, I pray, why should I keep this useful information
to myself, when there are so many that can benefit from it?
For instance, in Thailand I
learned if you plug in your American hairdryer into a Bangkok
outlet, amazing scientific things will happen!
Once I learned that if you
microwave a metal-and-plastic cup, your microwave will belch
flames and a nightmarish burning rubber smell, and you will have
to THROW AWAY your microwave and buy a whole new one! Also your
husband will give you a fucking raft of shit for doing
Yesterday, I learned that if
you overhear a coworker tell someone, "Hmm, I'll try a squirt
of that," the correct response is simply to confirm they
are talking about ketchup, NOT to bray huge rude guffaws of laughter
while loudly declaring that they sound like a discriminating-yet-adventurous
Oh, and in the same vein, I
learned that you maybe shouldn't tell someone that over the weekend
you dubbed a name for JB's gross hamburger condiment preferences
(ranch, mayonnaise), and that name is the Money Shot Burger,
because the instant, I tell you, the instant you say Money
Shot you will know you have crossed some boundary and their face
will grimace, and they will never, ever look at you in quite
the same way again.
Indeed, I am a veritable sponge
of valuable data. I don't know how I've kept it all to myself
for so long.
Since yesterday was absolutely
amazing weather-wise, my coworker and I decided to blow out of
work early and have drinks outside a nearby restaurant. We brought
her dog, Bella. Here is an extremely dignified and flattering
picture of Bella:
Heh! Although the photo might
lead you to assume that Bella is some form of large bat, she
is actually a lovely and enormous Greater Swiss Mountain Dog.
I am quite clear about her breed, because no fewer than eleventy
jillion people came up and asked about her.
Some guy: "Aw, hi there.
Hi, you. Aw. Say, what kind of dog is she?"
Molly: "She's called a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. Sometimes
they're called Swissies. Yeah, she's pretty big, but her sire
was like 150 pounds."
Some girl: "Whooshy whooshy
whooshy! You're so pretty! Good dog! Hey, what kind of dog is
Molly: "A Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. They're...big."
Another guy: "Look at
YOU! Look at YOU! What kind of dog are YOU?"
And so on.
It was like having a kangaroo
on a leash, or something.
Having beers in the hot sun,
wearing sunglasses, just bullshitting and fielding dog queries?
Not a bad Monday. And I learned something! I learned that if
you come home slightly buzzed and decide to have ANOTHER beer,
but there's no chilled bottles, and you put an Amstel Light in
the freezer for the purposes of chilling it quickly, and then
- this is key - completely forget not only about its location
but its entire existence? Well, I am here to tell you that when
you open the freezer door the next day, perhaps in order to get
out the coffee beans, you will be greeted with a frozen beer
avalanche, with broken glass embedded in it! Beer slush will
fall all over your kitchen floor, and soon your entire house
will be brewery-fresh! And if you pile all the refuse into a
paper garbage bag, then rush off to work? The melted beersicle
will seep through the bag and you will have a giant frathouse
puddle when you get home.
Consider that a Helpful Hint.
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004