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04.27.2004 - 7:14 p.m.


Lately I've been thinking I should produce an advice column. No, not the "Please help me with my horribly convoluted social problem" sort, because yeah, not so much with the answers to that shit, but more of a Helpful Hints type thing intended to bestow my PROFOUND wisdom upon the earth.

Yes, I may be unable to grasp the most basic mathematical concept...I may have only the vaguest notion of the earth's geography....I may occasionally lapse into long mouthbreathing comas where I ponder the outcome of this season's Survivor - but by god, I am a student of life.

Every single day, I learn something new. And why, I pray, why should I keep this useful information to myself, when there are so many that can benefit from it?

For instance, in Thailand I learned if you plug in your American hairdryer into a Bangkok outlet, amazing scientific things will happen!

Once I learned that if you microwave a metal-and-plastic cup, your microwave will belch flames and a nightmarish burning rubber smell, and you will have to THROW AWAY your microwave and buy a whole new one! Also your husband will give you a fucking raft of shit for doing so.

Yesterday, I learned that if you overhear a coworker tell someone, "Hmm, I'll try a squirt of that," the correct response is simply to confirm they are talking about ketchup, NOT to bray huge rude guffaws of laughter while loudly declaring that they sound like a discriminating-yet-adventurous fluffer.

Oh, and in the same vein, I learned that you maybe shouldn't tell someone that over the weekend you dubbed a name for JB's gross hamburger condiment preferences (ranch, mayonnaise), and that name is the Money Shot Burger, because the instant, I tell you, the instant you say Money Shot you will know you have crossed some boundary and their face will grimace, and they will never, ever look at you in quite the same way again.

Indeed, I am a veritable sponge of valuable data. I don't know how I've kept it all to myself for so long.


Since yesterday was absolutely amazing weather-wise, my coworker and I decided to blow out of work early and have drinks outside a nearby restaurant. We brought her dog, Bella. Here is an extremely dignified and flattering picture of Bella:

Heh! Although the photo might lead you to assume that Bella is some form of large bat, she is actually a lovely and enormous Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. I am quite clear about her breed, because no fewer than eleventy jillion people came up and asked about her.

Some guy: "Aw, hi there. Hi, you. Aw. Say, what kind of dog is she?"
Molly: "She's called a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. Sometimes they're called Swissies. Yeah, she's pretty big, but her sire was like 150 pounds."

Some girl: "Whooshy whooshy whooshy! You're so pretty! Good dog! Hey, what kind of dog is this?"
Molly: "A Greater Swiss Mountain Dog. They're...big."

Another guy: "Look at YOU! Look at YOU! What kind of dog are YOU?"
Molly: "Swissie."

And so on.

It was like having a kangaroo on a leash, or something.

Having beers in the hot sun, wearing sunglasses, just bullshitting and fielding dog queries? Not a bad Monday. And I learned something! I learned that if you come home slightly buzzed and decide to have ANOTHER beer, but there's no chilled bottles, and you put an Amstel Light in the freezer for the purposes of chilling it quickly, and then - this is key - completely forget not only about its location but its entire existence? Well, I am here to tell you that when you open the freezer door the next day, perhaps in order to get out the coffee beans, you will be greeted with a frozen beer avalanche, with broken glass embedded in it! Beer slush will fall all over your kitchen floor, and soon your entire house will be brewery-fresh! And if you pile all the refuse into a paper garbage bag, then rush off to work? The melted beersicle will seep through the bag and you will have a giant frathouse puddle when you get home.

Consider that a Helpful Hint.

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19 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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