I got a year-end bonus from
Workplace yesterday, so my course of action was clear: go shopping.
I did spend some time on Amazon buying holiday gifts earlier
in the morning, so, you know, my conscience was clear. And I
didn't really go hog wild or anything - just your basic Gap stockup.
God forbid I should exercise any originality in my fashion oeuvre.
The most exciting thing I got
was a pair of red and white striped furry warm soft mittens.
They delight me in a weird preschool sort of way. I want to safety
pin them to every outfit I wear. Also, for some reason whenever
I put them on, I'm compelled to spend a few moments making chomping
Pac-man motions with them. Monch-monch-monch.
I like getting new clothes,
but hate the ritual of trying things on. How your hair gets all
staticy and rumpled from pulling things over your head. How the
concept of "size 8" can veer all over the map from
Way Too Fucking Long to Does Not Pull Over Hips. The growing
crumpled heap of rejects, blaring out a cacophony of various
body flaw accusations.
How annoying is that perky
rap on the door: "How are you doooing in there?" And
I always bleat "FINE!", furiously yanking yet another
misshapen turtleneck from my head and glaring at my flushed reflection.
And isn't it funny when you
can hear two women friends talking to each other in the dressing
room area? How has it come to be that we as a gender are so ruthlessly
self critical yet simultaneously supportive of others?
"Oh, now these pants...these
are just - I look like a COW."
"You do not. Shut up. You look great! They look totally
good on you."
"WhatEVerrr! Ohmigod seriously my hips are so enormous."
"I'm so sure, I WISH I had your hips."
"Shut URRP I wish I had YOURS."
Anyway, it was very nice of
Workplace to issue bonuses, being as how we're not exactly rolling
in cash right now. Once Upon a Time Back In The Salad Days, employees
received bonuses equal to their yearly salaries - can you imagine?
Is the most disturbing thing, like, EVER. Go look. Ew. I know.
Ew. Brrrr. How can those people get near that fucking thing?
If I ever saw something like that I would rip my eyeballs from
my sockets. With a grapefruit spoon.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004