01.16.2003 - 6:59 p.m.
I am in a dark parking lot
filled with cars. There is absolutely no noise. I'm scared. There
is something very bad in a car several yards away. It's a man
who has killed himself. Most of his upper body is hanging out
the driver's side window. He has somehow killed himself with
carbon monoxide, even though the parking lot is spacious. White
mist roils into the air from the car with the dead body in it.
The man's head is swollen. It is huge and misshapen. I want to
get away from the car and the body, but cars keep leaving the
parking lot. I hide behind a car, and it drives away. I can't
see any of the drivers. Soon the lot is almost empty. I can't
get away. In the compete silence, I suddenly hear a wet whisper
right next to my left ear. The voice speaks one word: my first
name. I am washed with terror, through and through. I know that
I have somehow managed to end up right beside the bad car, and
the giant pulpy face of the dead man is speaking inches from
my ear. It is then that I wake up, gasping, in my bedroom. I
lie perfectly still and slowly look to my left. There is, of
course, nothing there.
Not the best way to start my
morning. Talk about the heebs.
You know, I used to think I
was pretty net-savvy. Back in the day, I was constantly online
with various local BBSs. I read bOING bOING, Wired, all of William
Gibson's books. While most of my friends knew nothing about computers,
I was all DOS-iffied! Dir/w!
These days I'm clueless to
most of the interesting things unfolding on the web. (I only
stumbled onto online diaries a year ago.) So...have you heard of this thing
called fanfic? Oh, you have? It's been out there for a long time?
Yeah? Well. Sorry for not being COOLER, and all.
Anyway. Yeah, so there's all
this Aragorn/Legolas PORN out there. Not that I spent my personal
time surfing that kind of thing, oh no. *cough* It's been purely
for research purposes. For my book. About...uh....porn. Or something.
Ok, so yes, I did read some
of these stories. And having basically never heard of fanfic
until this week, I think that clearly qualifies me to spout off
in an annoying fashion about what should and should not be included
in LOTR racy fanfic.
Sundry's Rules Of Engagement,
From A Heterosexual Woman's Perspective.
Bringing The Boys To Boink
(As a disclaimer, I do want
to say that the only characters in LOTR that actually seem capable
of a little same-sex-hide-the-salami are freaking FRODO and SAM.
"Oh, Mr. Frodo..." "Oh, Sam! Yes! YES!")
The words "penis" or "cock", etc, should
not be used. Yes, that requires an unfortunate amount of effort
to dredge up various metaphors without relying too heavily on
"shaft" or "member", but it's necessary.
It's a magical world, dammit, and even if there IS some
NC-17 action going on, stick to right language.
Take note: for some reason,
it's especially hot to capitalize Man and Elf. Referring to Legolas
as "the golden Elf"= steamy! Also, "the dark Ranger"
Neither Aragorn nor Legolas shall be allowed to giggle, cavort,
shriek, or sob. They are MEN, manly MEN! Which leads us to:
Why, exactly, are they getting it on in the first place? Mushy
declarations of undying love, jealous accusations about other
lovers, and girlish weeping? Are not sexy. Somehow turning a
manly, battle-worn moment into a naughty physical act? (Like
story) Yum! The key is for the sexy part to not exactly be
homosexual and thus render them unlikely to find women appealing,
because from this girl's perspective, that's important. Because
the fantasy must include the possibility that you can
join in! Whee!
Oh, I realize everything published online wasn't created specifically
to entertain ME. Why else would this
It's Thursday, Night Of Good
TV. Last Thursday at the tradeshow, my coworker Molly and I stayed
in our hotel room and ordered vats of food and beer from room
service, wheeled the cart between our beds, and didn't move for
something like 3 hours as we watched Friends, Scrubs, Will &
Grace, and ER. It was probably the highpoint of the week, entertainment-wise.
How sad is that?
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004