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01.16.2003 - 6:59 p.m.

Thursday

I am in a dark parking lot filled with cars. There is absolutely no noise. I'm scared. There is something very bad in a car several yards away. It's a man who has killed himself. Most of his upper body is hanging out the driver's side window. He has somehow killed himself with carbon monoxide, even though the parking lot is spacious. White mist roils into the air from the car with the dead body in it. The man's head is swollen. It is huge and misshapen. I want to get away from the car and the body, but cars keep leaving the parking lot. I hide behind a car, and it drives away. I can't see any of the drivers. Soon the lot is almost empty. I can't get away. In the compete silence, I suddenly hear a wet whisper right next to my left ear. The voice speaks one word: my first name. I am washed with terror, through and through. I know that I have somehow managed to end up right beside the bad car, and the giant pulpy face of the dead man is speaking inches from my ear. It is then that I wake up, gasping, in my bedroom. I lie perfectly still and slowly look to my left. There is, of course, nothing there.

Not the best way to start my morning. Talk about the heebs.

:::

You know, I used to think I was pretty net-savvy. Back in the day, I was constantly online with various local BBSs. I read bOING bOING, Wired, all of William Gibson's books. While most of my friends knew nothing about computers, I was all DOS-iffied! Dir/w!

These days I'm clueless to most of the interesting things unfolding on the web. (I only stumbled onto online diaries a year ago.) So...have you heard of this thing called fanfic? Oh, you have? It's been out there for a long time? Yeah? Well. Sorry for not being COOLER, and all.

Anyway. Yeah, so there's all this Aragorn/Legolas PORN out there. Not that I spent my personal time surfing that kind of thing, oh no. *cough* It's been purely for research purposes. For my book. About...uh....porn. Or something.

Ok, so yes, I did read some of these stories. And having basically never heard of fanfic until this week, I think that clearly qualifies me to spout off in an annoying fashion about what should and should not be included in LOTR racy fanfic.

Sundry's Rules Of Engagement, From A Heterosexual Woman's Perspective.

-or-

Bringing The Boys To Boink Believably

(As a disclaimer, I do want to say that the only characters in LOTR that actually seem capable of a little same-sex-hide-the-salami are freaking FRODO and SAM. "Oh, Mr. Frodo..." "Oh, Sam! Yes! YES!")

Verbiage:
The words "penis" or "cock", etc, should not be used. Yes, that requires an unfortunate amount of effort to dredge up various metaphors without relying too heavily on "shaft" or "member", but it's necessary. It's a magical world, dammit, and even if there IS some NC-17 action going on, stick to right language.

Take note: for some reason, it's especially hot to capitalize Man and Elf. Referring to Legolas as "the golden Elf"= steamy! Also, "the dark Ranger" = rrowr!

Masculinity:
Neither Aragorn nor Legolas shall be allowed to giggle, cavort, shriek, or sob. They are MEN, manly MEN! Which leads us to:

Context:
Why, exactly, are they getting it on in the first place? Mushy declarations of undying love, jealous accusations about other lovers, and girlish weeping? Are not sexy. Somehow turning a manly, battle-worn moment into a naughty physical act? (Like Musesfool's story) Yum! The key is for the sexy part to not exactly be homosexual and thus render them unlikely to find women appealing, because from this girl's perspective, that's important. Because the fantasy must include the possibility that you can join in! Whee!

Oh, I realize everything published online wasn't created specifically to entertain ME. Why else would this exist?

:::

It's Thursday, Night Of Good TV. Last Thursday at the tradeshow, my coworker Molly and I stayed in our hotel room and ordered vats of food and beer from room service, wheeled the cart between our beds, and didn't move for something like 3 hours as we watched Friends, Scrubs, Will & Grace, and ER. It was probably the highpoint of the week, entertainment-wise. How sad is that?

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
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