04.28.2003 - 5:23 p.m.
God, my cat is evil. She just
is. Nine pounds of furry evil. She's been driving me absolutely
nuts the last few days, launching into the cat rendition of the
HMS Pinafore at 3:30 AM, 5 AM, whatever suits her (evil)
She has developed a really
awful meow, too. It wasn't always as annoying as it is now. I
guess with Dog usurping most of our attention the cat had to
step it up a notch in the only way she knew how: by cultivating
the sort of yowl that actually makes you wince and make little
helpless strangling motions with your hands.
In addition to her early morning
performances, Cat also has fine tuned the delicate art of dashing
in front of your feet as you walk by the laundry room where her
food bowl is. The dash is accompanied by various tense moops
and bleeps, eh! er! meh!, and its sole purpose as far
as I can determine is to trip you so you crash to the floor in
a bone-rattling heap, hopefully dislodging the bag of cat food
on the top shelf and sending it cascading into her dish.
It happened today and sent
me reeling, vaudeville-like, pinwheeling my arms as she cleverly
got in front of one foot, then the other. When I regained my
balance, I picked her up and stared directly into her little
"One of these days,"
I hissed, "I am NOT going to try and avoid you, and you
will be ground into the floor like a stale Dorito."
I swear to god when I put her
down she flipped me off.
One thing I do like about the
cat is how she runs up when I pull in the driveway. If she's
outside, she recognizes the sound of my car, and from wherever
she's been hanging out she comes barreling along full speed,
galomp galomp galomp, only to stop and act supremely casual once
she's near the door. Oh, you're here already? Hm, I barely
noticed you were gone.
She's had plenty of reason
to be disgusted with us lately, because Dog is shedding. What
that means is, she's losing her winter coat and it itches, so
she rubs on all kinds of things while grunting. This cracks me
up to no end, and so whenever Dog starts rubbing I go and scratch
her while saying "Ohhhh, dangit! Dangit!" and Dog gets
all beserker with joy. Which repulses the cat. I don't know where
"dangit" came from, but if I say it now - Dog runs
to a wall or couch and rubs herself. It's fucking funny, man.
Best (well, stupidest) trick ever.
The other thing I've been doing
with the dog lately is "Mrs. President." This is where
I pet Dog and grasp her paw, which immediately makes her get
an absurdly dignified look on her face. I then shake her paw
vigorously while saying "Helloooooo Mrs. President!
Nice to meet you, Mrs. President!" in this ridiculous high-pitched
I - I don't KNOW why. It's
I don't get people who don't
want pets. Well, other than fearing they may turn into the sort
of person who writes an entire journal entry about their cat
and dog. That I can sort of understand.
Oooh, dangit! Dangit!
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004