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04.28.2003 - 5:23 p.m.


God, my cat is evil. She just is. Nine pounds of furry evil. She's been driving me absolutely nuts the last few days, launching into the cat rendition of the HMS Pinafore at 3:30 AM, 5 AM, whatever suits her (evil) fancy.

She has developed a really awful meow, too. It wasn't always as annoying as it is now. I guess with Dog usurping most of our attention the cat had to step it up a notch in the only way she knew how: by cultivating the sort of yowl that actually makes you wince and make little helpless strangling motions with your hands.

In addition to her early morning performances, Cat also has fine tuned the delicate art of dashing in front of your feet as you walk by the laundry room where her food bowl is. The dash is accompanied by various tense moops and bleeps, eh! er! meh!, and its sole purpose as far as I can determine is to trip you so you crash to the floor in a bone-rattling heap, hopefully dislodging the bag of cat food on the top shelf and sending it cascading into her dish.

It happened today and sent me reeling, vaudeville-like, pinwheeling my arms as she cleverly got in front of one foot, then the other. When I regained my balance, I picked her up and stared directly into her little (evil) face.

"One of these days," I hissed, "I am NOT going to try and avoid you, and you will be ground into the floor like a stale Dorito."

I swear to god when I put her down she flipped me off.

One thing I do like about the cat is how she runs up when I pull in the driveway. If she's outside, she recognizes the sound of my car, and from wherever she's been hanging out she comes barreling along full speed, galomp galomp galomp, only to stop and act supremely casual once she's near the door. Oh, you're here already? Hm, I barely noticed you were gone.

She's had plenty of reason to be disgusted with us lately, because Dog is shedding. What that means is, she's losing her winter coat and it itches, so she rubs on all kinds of things while grunting. This cracks me up to no end, and so whenever Dog starts rubbing I go and scratch her while saying "Ohhhh, dangit! Dangit!" and Dog gets all beserker with joy. Which repulses the cat. I don't know where "dangit" came from, but if I say it now - Dog runs to a wall or couch and rubs herself. It's fucking funny, man. Best (well, stupidest) trick ever.

The other thing I've been doing with the dog lately is "Mrs. President." This is where I pet Dog and grasp her paw, which immediately makes her get an absurdly dignified look on her face. I then shake her paw vigorously while saying "Helloooooo Mrs. President! Nice to meet you, Mrs. President!" in this ridiculous high-pitched voice.

I - I don't KNOW why. It's just entertaining.

I don't get people who don't want pets. Well, other than fearing they may turn into the sort of person who writes an entire journal entry about their cat and dog. That I can sort of understand.

Oooh, dangit! Dangit!

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