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10.23.2002 - 7:14 p.m.


Last December there was a happy combination of events: 1) JB had earned about a gazillion miles on his frequent flyer program, and 2) I was not encumbered by such things as having a job. And so I accompanied him on one of his business trips, and spent an amazing week in China. That was all well and good, and sometime I'll tell you more about it, but right now I'd like to wax nostalgic for the wonderful luxury that is first class international travel.

There is no waiting in line, when you go first class. Waiting is for peasants. Your seat is a fucking Barcalounger. Champagne is presented to you immediately upon settling into your chair, to fortify you while you recline to a supine position. There are no peanuts, but there IS caviar. And all the booze, throughout the entire flight, is FREE.

But the best, the absolute best, is the bag of goodies they give you. There are socks in there! Little bottles of moisturizer! Herbal mist sprays for your travel-weary facial skin! Lip balm! And somehow everything feels more expensive and lush than it actually is, like you're misting your face with little gusts from a riffled stack of hundred-dollar bills.

So I demanded that JB bring home his goodie bag each and every time he flies, and every single time he forgets. He doesn't even open the goodie bag. Obnoxiously, JB basically slumps into a coma the instant engines rumble to life on any flight, while I have to bring about 3956 magazines/books/packages of Benadryl to lull myself into a bored-yet-fully-awake stupor. (It is a fact that on the 12+ hour flight from Vancouver to Hong Kong, despite literally 14 glasses of wine, an enormous dinner, a Barcalounger chair, AND the cinematic abomination that was the live action part of Osmosis Jones, I didn't get a wink of sleep.)

On his last trip, from which he returned on Saturday, he finally remembered. Except he flew business class. And I'm here to tell you that the business class goodie bag is nowhere near as good. It's all about providing you with the basic tools to keep yourself from offending your seatmate with odors or bodily fluids: there's floss, toothpaste, a toothbrush, and some kleenex.

The silver lining is that I needed some extra toothpaste. So hurray for the crappy business class bag, with its mint flavored toothpaste. Mint flavored is important, you see.

A while ago, I noticed there was several tubes of toothpaste in the women's bathroom drawer at Workplace, and I thought to bring in a toothbrush so I could freshen up after an afternoon of munching goldfish crackers and slurping lattes (a foul, foul combo, believe me). It wasn't until I actually went to brush my teeth that I saw what kinds of toothpaste some sadist had stocked up on.

Gross Fucking Toothpaste #1. Tom's Of Maine Natural Toothpaste with Fluoride. With the refreshing taste of FENNEL. It's licorice-like, hideous, and just plain wrong.

GFT #2. Arm & Hammer Advance White Flouride Toothpaste with Baking Soda and Peroxide. You've got your baking soda in my peroxide! No, you've got your...nevermind. What freak on wheels thought these were two great tastes that taste great together? It's salty, and bleachy.

GFT #3. J/A/S/O/N Sea Fresh Natural Toothpaste. I haven't even tried this one. No frigging WAY, man. This is what is listed on the front of the tube: Blue Green Algae, Sea Salts, and Trace Minerals! Bacteria-Busting Perilla Seed Extract!


Smarmy Ken-doll Male: "Hey, you smell terrific...kind of like the rotting corpse of a seagull on the last day of summer vacation."
Blowsy Idiotic Female: (tittering at camera) "He'll never guess MY secret!"
CLOSEUP on PRODUCT. Booming voice-over: "Are YOU a Sea Salt 'N' Algae Girl?"

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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