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05.23.2004 - 5:26 p.m.

Sunday

I wrote my coworker an email tonight and as I tried to send it, my computer decided it couldn't find an internet connection. "DUH," it said. Basically. So I restarted that piece of dinosaur shit, which is what you have to do when that happens, and I saved the email in my drafts folder.

Cranking back to life (82019832 years later - have I mentioned I'm gunning for a G5?), I launched Outlook and clicked into drafts and sent my message. Then I saw, sitting helpfully in there, just waiting to be opened and have the word "Company" altered appropriately, my old cover letter. Which I will share with you, in all its glory.

Hello,

If you think your company might benefit from a hard working, fun professional who is guaranteed to become a valuable member on ANY team - keep reading!

Oh my god, I think I threw up just a little. "Keep reading!" You can literally see the cheesy hand-gun "Ktch!" motion there.

I am contacting you in the hope you might find my skills relevant to Company's marketing needs. My diverse high tech marketing experience, with an emphasis on strategic planning and implementation, may be exactly what you are looking for.

Exactly, by golly. Also, heh. People? I have never executed anything "strategic" in my whole life.

My background encompasses both marketing communications and product management.

Translation: I…wrote some…stuff. That mostly sucked.

I have managed numerous marketing program tactics, including PR, advertising, collateral, and events.

Translation: I…wrote some…stuff. That mostly sucked. Oh, and I did the admin crap necessary for tradeshows. IE, I…faxed some…stuff.

I have written and designed communication pieces, while I have also managed the execution and deliverables from outside agencies.

Translation: I farmed out the creative. Whoo!

I know how to work effectively with internal and external customers - and enjoy it all.

Oh. Oh yes. I ENJOY IT ALL. How was I not struck down by a bolt of lightening when I wrote that?

From partner programs to direct mail, I have experience managing marketing projects that require excellent organizational skills to ensure maximum return on investment.

Ah, and here is where I completely ceased to communicate in English, and instead embraced weasel-speak with all my soul. "I can file like you can't believe?" Is THAT what I was trying to say?

Acting as corporate and product evangelist are roles I embrace, and my excellent communication skills are an asset when doing so.

Translation: I can talk endlessly about your products in a fevered manner until little balls of foamy spit congeal at the corners of my mouth! REALLY I CAN! JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE I AM DYING HERE DYING!!!!

I am motivated by creating dynamic, powerful marketing programs that successfully impact target audiences.

Heh. I guess I would be. If, you know, I'd ever worked on a dynamic, powerful marketing program that successfully impacted a target audience.

You need someone who is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to gain fantastic results for Company: marketshare, recognition, and SALES.

SALES! Watch me go for the BOTTOM LINE! Coffee is for CLOSERS!!!!

I have the outstanding creative and analytical skills to get the job done - on time, on target, on budget.

What is this word "budget"? For I have never had one.

With a proactive attitude and the flexibility to stay focused in dynamic environments, I aim for diverse contributions and a "can do" reputation. People say I'm fun to work with, too!

Okay, I just threw up again. Also, using the word "diverse" TWICE in a cover letter? Faux fucking pas, man.

I would love to talk with you about what I can offer Company - I know I could step in and create a positive influence from day one. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I am the sheriff that's gonna clean UP this town! Give me one day, dammit, ONE DAY, and I will pathetically crawl on my hands and knees to PROVE MY WORTH!

Ah, christ. What you have to know about all of the above is 1) I would never write anything that insincere and cheesy ever again, and 2) I was unemployed for months when I was sending that out. I was so, so desperate. I read that and I laugh, but I'm also shaking my head feeling sorry for that grasping-at-straws girl.

Well - let's take a moment to be thankful for Workplace, and all it has taught me. I know, now, that I never would write that again because I never could. I've worked somewhere with integrity and I never want to work somewhere that accepts that sort of snowjob bullshit ever again.

I love my silly, laughing, dysfunctional, geeky, honest, fucked-up, caring office. It's weird, how much things have changed. Weird, but good.

I love Workplace. Wow. I have an office I love.

Wow.

And with that - pictures from last week's slack day.

I can't remember exactly what was happening here but it looks like Dog has rammed into Bella at 67 MPH. I am holding an invisible beer, apparently.

Oh, like you've never balanced a hedgehog on a giant dog's head.

Ta-da!

I love this picture. This is Andrew, my coworker. He's an amazingly talented amateur photographer, so if you're looking for affordable portrait-wedding-what have you, let me know.
Also SNOUTY SNOUTERTON + HEDGEHOG = TRULUV4EVR!!!

Think about it: does someone YOU know deserved to be TP'd? I am Zen TP Girl, no need for vision!



Seriously. Oh. Mah. Gah. Could you not just die looking at that?



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24 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland