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05.21.2004 - 9:11 a.m.

Friday

STOP THE SNEEZING. THE SNEEZING MUST STOP.

To the best of my knowledge, I have never had allergies.

Before.

Now.

You know, a sneeze can feel good. Ah, you think, heaving forth a mighty blast into your hankie. Finally! I have certainly been waiting for that! O, sweet orgasmic relief!

However, I bet even orgasms would start to suck if you had 293831058 of them in the space of ten minutes.

(Well…okay, I'm not really rock-solid on that theory. Heh.)

What I am saying is that I cannot STOP sneezing. Something evil, evil, evil has bloomed here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and that satan-spawn flora has lodged itself firmly in my nasal cavities.

I blame the seemingly innocent little white fluffy things that are careening about everywhere outside. What devil-tree have you torn yourself loose from, white fluffy things, and why must you torment me so?

I decided, based on my constant katchoo-ing, to stay home from work today. I figured I'd loll about, wallow in my own crapulence, toot on the old nose-horn a while and maybe watch Pirates of the Caribbean.

Yes, AGAIN. What? If you're going to feel like shit, you may as well fantasize about shagging a gay pirate while you're at it.

Captain Jack Sparrow: "Wench, ye'd best be dropping them bloomers and stepping rightly over to this bed, savvy?"
Me: "KATCHOOO!"
Captain Jack Sparrow: "Um. Yarr."

Imagine my surprise, as I shuffled to the kitchen in search of caffeine, to find a strange man glancing in at me from our backyard window.

Gah, the fucking painters are here today.

There is no place in our entire house that does not have windows. Some, thankfully, have blinds, but the entire living room is floor to ceiling windows. Drooling over Johnny Depp in privacy is NOT an option today, nor is hanging out anywhere other than the office or the bedroom - unless, that is, I want to turn nose-blowing into performance art and attempt to entertain the 4 men in paint-spattered jumpsuits currently crawling all over my house.

I'm trapped in my house! Sneezing! And websurfing! Quick, somebody send me a fun link or two before I die of boredom.

Death, death, DEATH to the white fluffy things.


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27 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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