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05.10.2004 - 4:26 p.m.

Monday

I dragged JB through Victoria's Secret on Saturday, which was pretty fun. I have finally discovered the one clothing store on earth in which he is neither bored out of his skull nor actively discouraging me from hitting our credit limit.

Also, lingerie shopping with a man is hilarious:

"Do you like this?"

"Uh huh."

"How about this?"

"Oh yeah!"

"And this?"

"DEFINITELY."

So I brought my armful of things up to the register, where I was rung up by a spectacular looking model-actress-VS clerk who appeared to be on several tabs of ecstasy. "Do you need a gift box," she murmured thickly, fluttering her eyelashes at me. "Nope," I said. "Oooh….so these are allll for youuu?" she husked. "Um, yeah," I responded.

"Mmmnnn…." The woman purred at me. "Mmmn…lucky girrrllll…" I swear she licked her (full, sensuous) LIPS and WINKED.

Since everything I was buying technically fell under the "vaguely uncomfortable adornment" category, I should have jerked my thumb at JB and grunted "Ffff. Lucky GUY, you mean," but I was too staggered by experiencing the verbal equivalent of a lap dance.

"Now," she said, raising a perfect eyebrow and gazing at me with half-lidded eyes. I leaned in, holding my breath. JB goggled, possibly praying for her to drop her VS outfit and leap across the counter at me.

"Do you have…an Angel card?"

Oh.

"Are you sure *pout* I can't sign you up today?"

Dang.

"It's a really great *lip lick* deal…."

Regardless of the motivations behind the salesgirl's sultry demeanor (maybe it really was all just for me…after all, I was decked out in my fabulous and classy faux-vintage cornmeal ad t-shirt that reads "Every sack guaranteed" on the front and "I'll get you in the sack" on the back - who in their right mind could possibly resist that?), JB left the store a new man. "That was awesome," he said, strutting like Travolta. "We have got to go back there."

:::

Earlier I had the following email exchange with JB, which cracked me right the hell up:

----- Original Message -----

From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:36 PM
Subject: i don't get yer comments

Adrien - 2004-05-10 15:00:42
"Awful good cereal flakes, Miz Sundry."?

--

From: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:39 PM
To: JB
Subject: Re: i don't get yer comments

Raising Arizona quote.

--

From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:41 PM
Subject: RE: i don't get yer comments

And that was included why?

--

From: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:44 PM
To: JB
Subject: Re: i don't get yer comments

DUH. You are not worthy.

--

From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:56 PM
Subject: RE: i don't get yer comments

DUDE. W.T.F. ? You wrote about SkyMall, tomatoes, and a fargin bug vacuum. Excuse me for not seeing the linear path between those items and a RA quote about cereal.

:::

I really, really hate the new ads that run in movie theaters before the previews actually start. It was annoying enough when they were slides, static porntastic closeups of splurting Coke geysers that apparently were meant to drive you, leering and slobbering, directly to the concession stand. Then there were the INTERACTIVE slides accompanied by revolting pop-Muzak, with amazingly stupid movie trivia questions and edge-of-your-seat "soda races" (who ever sat there thinking hope 7-Up wins, oh dear god let 7-Up win…FUCK IT'S DIET COKE FUCK YOU DIET COKE FUCK YOU IN YOUR DIRTY DIET FUCKHOLE!!!).

Now, though, they're full-fledged commercials. You can't escape. We went to Kill Bill 2 on Friday and I had to suffer through the most obnoxious advertisement in the history of the planet, and I DO include every damn Mentos ad ever made. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe it except that it was for Fanta soda - and there were these soda…chicks….singing this terrible…song ("Fanta Fanta wanna Fanta wanna Fanta Fanta Fanta" - AND SO ON)…and dancing….with these OUTFITS.

So we endured this abomination to all that is holy, and as it came to its mind-rendingly horrendous conclusion, the entire audience sat in a stunned silence, collectively wishing for airsickness bags. Then, the screen loudly informed us, "You've just seen The Twenty!"

(This what the satanic mix of ads is called, probably named after how many years of your life it steals.)

"Miss anything? Get to the theater earlier next time!"

Too bad the geniuses behind The Twenty didn't hear the loud, derisive audience laughter in response to the suggestion one should arrive extra early to catch ALL of their amazing advertising. Hello, Twenty? We paid money to see Quentin's cinematic wank session over Uma Thurman, not to have our retinas exposed to the goddamn Fanta girls.

JB and I went out with our friends Chiara and Carl on Saturday to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spot-Free Rinse or whatever it is (what? I loved it, but I can't get the name right, okay?), and thankfully we went to an old theater that spared us the ads. Yay for old theaters!

Not only are Chiara and Carl cool enough to know where the good theaters are, but they're also familiar with the best pastry shops.



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20 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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