05.08.2004 - 12:13 p.m.
My friend Scott has a deeply
hilarious entry up about the Sky Mall catalogue, which
reminds me ("Say! That reminds me.." - heh.
Heh heh heh. Oh, how I love that movie) of a recent home project launched
here at Chez Sundry.
It's the Back-asswards Tomato
See, on a flight a while back,
I was idly flipping through a Sky Mall, because lord knows there's
not much else to do when you're trapped in a metal cylinder hurtling
through the air thousands of feet above the ground giving death
the finger and as far as *I* am concerned defying all the laws
of the known universe have I mentioned I hate flying?
Plus, the products are so fun.
I love the ubiquitous bug vacuum thingie that is always being
advertised - the photo shows woman zeroing in on what appears
to be a giant freaking TARANTULA, calmly preparing to suck the
unholy beast into her bug trapper. Please. If you are freaked
out by large creepy spiders, the vacuum is not the approach you
will take. Because you would have to get a vacuum's length
from the godawful creature, which right off the bat is SO NOT
going to work for me, then you've got to hold ON to the tube
thing while you are aware that the spider is travelling along
inside it - MILLIMETERS from your HAND - and then what? It's
in the vacuum. Not dead. Sitting in there plotting ways
to drop into your open sleeping mouth. The only options for dealing
with large spiders in your house are 1) shrieking like a little
sissy girl for your husband, or 2) shrieking like a little sissy
girl and driving off, possibly to Antarctica.
So I'm checking out the bug
vacuum, the hideously tacky wine rack designed to look like a
wrought iron sommelier with a maniacal expression, the garden
stones with uplifting quotes carved into them ("Stop fucking
stepping on me, fatass"), the nudge-nudge-wink-wink shoulder
massager, and so on, when I stumbled upon the Upside Down Tomato Garden.
Amazing tomato technology!
Ensuring that the tomatoes will ripen - in the AIR! I mean, the
normal kind growing up from the ground, I would have thought
they were actually exposed to air, but apparently I was WRONG!
I showed JB, who had himself
a good long chuckle at the $70 pricetag for the Upside Down Tomato
Garden. "Har har! I could build something like that in five
minutes," he boasted.
YOU'RE ON MISTER!
That's right, for about a week
now I've had my own little BTE going in the backyard. Two tomato
plants are dangling confusedly from their soil-filled box, probably
staring jealously at their right-side-up neighbors. I'm curious
to see how they'll grow. Probably just enough to be merrily
devoured by Dog.
Thank you, Sky Mall, for your
ingenious creativity! I'm with Scott, though. You reaaaaally
need to re-think your cover art.
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004