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05.08.2004 - 12:13 p.m.

Saturday

My friend Scott has a deeply hilarious entry up about the Sky Mall catalogue, which reminds me ("Say! That reminds me.." - heh. Heh heh heh. Oh, how I love that movie) of a recent home project launched here at Chez Sundry.

It's the Back-asswards Tomato Experiment (BTE).

See, on a flight a while back, I was idly flipping through a Sky Mall, because lord knows there's not much else to do when you're trapped in a metal cylinder hurtling through the air thousands of feet above the ground giving death the finger and as far as *I* am concerned defying all the laws of the known universe have I mentioned I hate flying?

Plus, the products are so fun. I love the ubiquitous bug vacuum thingie that is always being advertised - the photo shows woman zeroing in on what appears to be a giant freaking TARANTULA, calmly preparing to suck the unholy beast into her bug trapper. Please. If you are freaked out by large creepy spiders, the vacuum is not the approach you will take. Because you would have to get a vacuum's length from the godawful creature, which right off the bat is SO NOT going to work for me, then you've got to hold ON to the tube thing while you are aware that the spider is travelling along inside it - MILLIMETERS from your HAND - and then what? It's in the vacuum. Not dead. Sitting in there plotting ways to drop into your open sleeping mouth. The only options for dealing with large spiders in your house are 1) shrieking like a little sissy girl for your husband, or 2) shrieking like a little sissy girl and driving off, possibly to Antarctica.

So I'm checking out the bug vacuum, the hideously tacky wine rack designed to look like a wrought iron sommelier with a maniacal expression, the garden stones with uplifting quotes carved into them ("Stop fucking stepping on me, fatass"), the nudge-nudge-wink-wink shoulder massager, and so on, when I stumbled upon the Upside Down Tomato Garden.

Amazing tomato technology! Ensuring that the tomatoes will ripen - in the AIR! I mean, the normal kind growing up from the ground, I would have thought they were actually exposed to air, but apparently I was WRONG!

I showed JB, who had himself a good long chuckle at the $70 pricetag for the Upside Down Tomato Garden. "Har har! I could build something like that in five minutes," he boasted.

YOU'RE ON MISTER!

That's right, for about a week now I've had my own little BTE going in the backyard. Two tomato plants are dangling confusedly from their soil-filled box, probably staring jealously at their right-side-up neighbors. I'm curious to see how they'll grow. Probably just enough to be merrily devoured by Dog.

Thank you, Sky Mall, for your ingenious creativity! I'm with Scott, though. You reaaaaally need to re-think your cover art.

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7 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland