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06.26.2003 - 4:43 p.m.

Thursday

You guys are making me feel all gooey with your rosacea-related advice, like for the first time in my life I have this great big network of friends I can talk to. *Sniff*.

Oh, you're also COMPLETELY FREAKING ME OUT. I think I've decided against taking the oral antibiotics. I've had enough problems with colds and sinus infections this year without stripping my body of the healthy bacteria it needs to fuel the immune system. Plus, I've never had a goddamn yeast infection in my life and frankly I'd rather keep that particular no-hitter going, you know?

I did some surfing around and found all kinds of rosacea websites, like support forums where people can post to each other ("Bob, remember our credo: your rosacea does not define you as a person."), and many, many sites that offer Miracle Cures. My favorite: urine therapy! Where you gulp down a healthy cup or two of warm fresh piss every day! That one does have the advantage of being quite affordable, because really, you do supply the materials.

The number one culprit for making things worsen, face-wise, definitely appears to be sun exposure, which is so, so sad. I know it's bad for you, I know about cancer and wrinkles and the potential of aging to look like that lady from Something About Mary, but I can't help it - I love lying out in the sun and roasting myself silly. I don't smoke, I don't inject heroin into my eyesockets, I rarely beat small defenseless animals, dammit. Shouldn't I be allowed to enjoy the great outdoors without having to repeatedly slather myself with an inch-thick layer of library paste?

And while we're on the subject of things that are Totally Not Fair, who the hell went and made avocados fattening? It's a FRUIT, for god's sake.

:::

For no particular reason, here are some retarded things we sing to our pets.

To the cat:
"Cattio, cattio, oh catty catty catty, CATTIO. (pop!) Ba dum dum dum." (repeat)
Sung to the tune of: You know, that lollipop song.

"MEER-cat, she helps you get your ZZZZs!"
Sung to the tune of: An old commercial for a sleep aid, I think the product name starts with an N because in the ad the N would tip sideways to become a Z? Do you know what the hell I'm talking about? This is going to bug me.

"Duke, duke, duke, duke of cat, cat, cat, duke of cat, cat, cat."
Sung to the tune of: Well, "Duke of Earl", of course.

To the dog (the dog is way more fun to sing to - it's best to point, Elvis-style, as well - because she gets all excited):

"Dog is FIGHT-ing for JUS-tice...she's a fan of the LAW."
Sung to the tune of: You get to make up your own tune for this fun song. Make it sound sort of 80's hair band-y.

"D.O.G! Great American hero! D.O.G was theeere!"
Sung to the tune of: G.I. Joe.

"She's the most beautiful dog in the world, that's...our doggie!"
Sung to the tune of: When you get to the "that's our doggie" part, it sounds like "That's Amore". But otherwise you get to improvise.

"She's a good hearted DOG in love with a good timin' man. She loves him in spite of his ways she don't understand."
Sung to the tune of: "Good Hearted Woman" by Waylon Jennings. Put some twang in this one, and don't worry about the implied dog/man relationship.

"I don't know what you heard about me
But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me
No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see
That I'm a motherfucking D-O-O-G."

Sung to the tune of: 50 Cent's P.I.M.P. What? Oh come on, it's not like she knows what we're saying.

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3 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland