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06.25.2003 - 1:47 p.m.

Wednesday

A rosacea by any other name...would still suck a fat hairy hyena dong.

Once upon a time, I had great skin. When I was a Kinko's drone, one of the copier repairmen actually referred to me as the girl with the 'peaches and cream complexion'. Of course, he was probably just a dirty old man turned on by chicks in blue aprons, but whatever. I had a nice smooth face, dammit.

But over time, things took A Turn For The Worse. My tendency to blush got more and more obnoxious until the slightest embarrassment turned me into a human beacon (inscrutable I am not). My face got more and more areas that stayed red all the time, and more and more little bumpy areas started showing up.

During a Coochie Platypus visit, I asked about my face (anything to get the attention away from my horrified womanly bits!) and the doctor said yep, looks like rosacea. The skin condition that only gets worse with age! It's exacerbated by booze, sun, heat, and exercise! I'll be the Toxic Avenger in no time! She prescribed some sort of medicinal goo, which I dutifully slathered on my face daily, and which did absolutely no good whatsoever.

I then saw a dermatologist, figuring they might be more of an expert on problems occurring north of coochie. She prescribed a new goo, which was smellier than the first goo, but did have a common factor of providing zero results.

So today I saw the same dermatologist, almost exactly a year since I first saw her, whining and puling about my face and how it's not getting better but in fact is worse and I can't be a girl with bad skin I caaaaan't.

According to her, I have a combination of rosacea AND a follicle-clogging condition that causes yucky bumps. Go me! She prescribed yet another goo (Differin), and an oral antibiotic (Rhino-clycin?). Apparently the new goo can cause REDNESS as a side effect. And PEELING. And the antibiotic can make me sun sensitive. More redness! Plus, the antibiotic can also cause YEAST INFECTIONS so she recommended eating a daily YOGURT.

What the blue fuck is going on here? Must I be a red-faced, yeast-ridden mess, shambling along trailing flakes of dead skin in an effort to be...more attractive?

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