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04.12.2003 - 9:38 a.m.

Saturday

At 7:30 last evening it was still light out and the temperature was just fine and the clouds had peeled back to show snow-blanketed mountain peaks and the air smelled fresh and I walked with Dog who grinned and grinned and everyone's house had a contented TGIF sort of feeling with television flickers in windows and screen doors pushed open and it felt good, felt like a new time of year, and it all almost made up for the fact that I've been waking up late all freaking week long, wondering where in hell that hour went.

:::

Boy, I will tell you what - those Crest WhiteStrips really work, but they're a fucking pain in the ass. You have to wear them twice a day for half an hour. Okay, so I put them on, and I'm instantly like regressed to middle school when I had headgear. Yeah, headgear. I don't mean the strips hurt, they just make me feel self-conscious and lispy and generally awkward, like for that half hour I need to hole up in my bedroom and read Xanth novels and try to memorize the lyrics to "Paul Revere" while doodling on my Esprit bag, or something. Thut UP! I wath NOT a 6th grade dork!

I can't pimp them out enough, though. Years of coffee, Diet Coke, and Pyramid Snow Cap Ale abuse are slowly bleaching away. I doubt I'll end up with the Regis megawatt smile, but that just looks freaky anyway.

:::

I get a never-ending amount of entertainment out of my google hits, but one has cropped up repeatedly lately that is, I think, funny as shit. It's "Go C*harlotte, it's y0ur b*irthday". Ha ha HA, so JB isn't the only one! White Men Can't Decipher Lyrics!

On the subject, maybe you guys can tell me something - what is up when someone google images searches one of your diaryland-hosted jpgs? Just to see if it shows up somewhere else, like Iblowdonkeysformoney.com or something?

There is another referral I get that I see every few days, and it goes something like this: "vic0din+0verdose+h0w+much?". You know, there's a lot of information one can fine online, but there's really a time and a place to, I don't know, call a fucking ambulance. I don't even know in what entry I might have mentioned that subject, but believe you me, if your buddy is lying in a pool of vomit with a vial of pills still clutched in his spasming fingers, he's gonna pull a River Phoenix stat if you're surfing DIARYLAND for help.

:::

I was in my friendly neighborhood QFC the other day, and as I moved through the checkout line I noticed a product prominently displayed nearby called No-Rad. I picked up a box and looked at it. Apparently No-Rad is a bunch of iodine doses you can take in the case of a nuclear emergency. How soothing! How helpful! How otherworldly bizarre and creepy this product is available in my grocery store!

From Generation X:

"And so then, just before the front windows become a crinkled liquified imploding sheet - the surface of a swimming pool during a high dive, as seen from below-

- "And just before you're pelleted by a hail of gum and magazines -

- "And just before the fat man is lifted off his feet, hung in suspended animation and bursts into flames while the liquified ceiling lifts and drips upward -

- "Just before all this, your best friend cranes his neck, lurches over to where you lie, and kisses you on the mouth, after which he says to you, 'There. I've always wanted to do that.'

- "And that's that. In the silent rush of hot wind, like the opening of a trillion oven doors that you've been imagining since you were six, it's all over: kind of scary, kind of sexy, and tainted by regret. A lot like life, wouldn't you say?"

- Douglas Coupland.

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0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland