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04.09.2003 - 8:26 p.m.

Wednesday

As I was driving home from kickboxing today I noticed that I had perspired so very very much that little salt particles were clinging to my face, like a lovely sprinkle of fairy dust, except it was dried sweat, which is hella gross.

I had kind of a shitty class today. We had to do this complicated routine and I just kept fucking it up, over and over. The kind of thing where the class is suddenly facing you because everyone's turned around and crap crap crap you whirl around but it's too late, now everyone is doing something else and you will never ever catch up. Loser.

Also I was feeling just generally irked at myself. Because, well, this is what happened. (Note: the following Recapped Incident involves nothing exciting whatsoever so if you're hoping for Vin Diesel type action or perhaps some hot buttered PORN, I'm sorry.) While I was waiting for class to start, a girl - we'll call her Girl A - came over to my general vicinity. I was doing stretchy type things, whatever. Time passed. Then another girl - Girl B (you got it, thanks for playing) - came over. Girl A immediately started a conversation with Girl B, asking her what the class was like, saying it was her first class and she was a little nervous, and blah blah blah. And Girl B was a veritable font of information! Oh, Girl B told Girl A alllllll about the class and put her at ease and they exchanged names, and fuck, by the time class started I thought they were going to prick their fingers and pledge blood sisterz 4Ever!

So, I was thinking - why did Girl A not talk to me? Did I look like such a lumbering beast it appeared I clearly didn't take the class, and was in fact on my way to trample Tokyo, or something?

Well, that might be, but I think the real reason is that my body language typically says Do Not Approach. I don't meet people's gaze. I don't smile at people unless they smile at me, and then I get all clumsy and smile too big, or only lift half my mouth, or accidentally grimace, or whatever.

I'm shy as fuck, and I really hate that about myself. I'm shy, and I don't like people I don't know talking to me because I get goofy and nervous and way too self-conscious and I blush and I hate hate hate feeling that way so I'd rather not talk to anyone ever.

And that sucks, you know? Girl A and Girl B had this nice easy conversation and oh ha ha ha, you go there too me too maybe we should share a ride sometime and yip yip yip call meeee, and I'm like some Judy Blume reject over in the corner in a goddamn trenchcoat. I should be able to casually bullshit with strangers, why is that so hard?

:::

All right. That's enough self-criticism for one night. Dog just dragged her butt along the carpet and left a stripe, so I've got other things to attend to. Helloooo, Resolve Spot Magic.

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1 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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