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03.13.2004 - 1:45 p.m.

Saturday

Have you ever been sitting around, minding your own business…when all of a sudden, a cold shiver runs up your spine, and you realize the HORRIFIC truth - you are not certain of your own gender?

Oh, that can be a terrible situation indeed, my friend. While common sense might tell you that you could address this problem by reaching down with both hands and firmly manipulating your genital region in order to clear things up, that is in fact NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE! In this day and age of advanced surgical procedures, the genital test can produce INCONCLUSIVE RESULTS!!!

The only way to TRULY determine whether you are a male, or whether you are a female, is with the patent-pending I.Y.A.C.O.I.Y.A.D. (Is You A Chick Or Is You A Dude?) test, developed by me, SUNDRY!!!!

Also, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To prepare for the test, relax. Take a few deep breaths. You must let your mind be free…free to imagine a scenario….free to picture…..THIS:

(DA DUN DUNNN!!!!)

That's right, it's an EMPTY TOILET PAPER TUBE. There is NO more available toilet paper on the roll. It is GONE. Imagine you have…USED THE LAST OF IT.

No, let us not sully the test with hypothesizing WHAT sort of ACTIVITY prompted the demise of the toilet paper, let us simply focus on the fact that the toilet paper is NO MORE.

Here is the most import part of the test!!! So pay attention!!!!!!!!!

Ask yourself, what do you DO NOW?

What do you DO about the fact that the toilet paper is GONE and there is SOMEONE ELSE in your house that USES the SAME bathroom AS YOU?????

If you have chosen to extract a NEW roll of toilet paper…

….and REPLACE the empty roll (bonus point if you put the EMPTY roll in the GARBAGE)….

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! YOU ARE FEMALE!!!!!

As a female, you enjoy the use of fine-tuned motor functions that allow you to perform such challenging physical activities such as 1) grasping, 2) pushing, and 3) circulating oxygen to your brain!!!

You have the sort of cerebral matter that has evolved over thousands of years to become a highly sophisticated machine, capable of recognizing complex logical problems, and taking steps to solve them!!!

Finally, your vast cognitive endowment combined with your valuable reserves of emotional identification permit you to consider the needs of others around you, and experience no hindrances between your centers for logic and your neurophysiological functions!!!!!

KUDOS TO YOU!!!!!!!

If, however, your choice in the I.Y.A.C.O.I.Y.A.D. test is to LEAVE the empty tube and as an AFTERTHOUGHT, shove a KLEENEX BOX near the TOILET….

…you're a guy.

Um…good luck with that.

P.S. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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26 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland