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02.04.2004 - 5:04 p.m.

Wednesday

LET'S GET THE DUMB PET CRAP OUT OF THE WAY FIRST

1. I really hate it when Cat combines a yawn and a meow, like oh I just can't be bothered to take the effort with you, stupid fuckwit human yawwwwwmrrrrow.

2. I hate the whole winter routine I have to go through when I let Dog in from the backyard after I've been gone for a while. She sees me, and starts freaking out. If Dog could type, she would be all "OMG! OMG! U R BACK! +HI5 RUle5!!!!" I open the door, and instantly mash her into the carpet so she doesn't stampede all over the house trailing filth. Then I have to wipe each of her feet with a towel while she gets all retarded with pent-up excitement. OAAGGH, AAOOOOGH, moans Dog, while I'm, you know, swabbing at her paws. Once I've ascertained the majority of mud has been removed (note - JB and I have vastly differing opinions on Dog Feet: Optimum Cleanliness State Thereof), I let her go, and she goes mad with joy and races around making huge snorty pig sounds, grabbing the nearest shoe in her mouth and leaving it somewhere completely annoying, like under the fucking guest bed where I will go crazy trying to find it the next morning.

3. Oh and also I hate it when Cat jumps up on the computer monitor and dangles her tail right down over the screen, and says "MERT!" angrily when I try and move it.

:::

I was in Half Price Books earlier today and, after picking up the fourth Harry Potter installment (oh, excuse me, bandwagon? May I belatedly climb aboard? Thank you evah so much!), I trolled the sci-fi/fantasy aisle on a whim and picked up a Spider Robinson book I haven't read. I love his stuff, but like most sci-fi it had the most lurid, ridiculous looking cover - pulpy bad artwork with the ubiquitous chesty chick + Explosive Action! + something sort of spaceshiplike.

So, I had a Harry Potter book, a corny looking science fiction paperback - what else could I do but comb the graphic novel section? Which I did, and I swear to god, afterwards a nervous looking guy with a trenchcoat, ponytail, and bad complexion started following me around the store. I was clearly Right Up His Alley.

Sadly, I lost him when I pounced (with honest delight) on a $1.00 Judith Krantz book.

:::

I just let my answering machine pick up a call, since the Caller ID said "Out of Area". And listened in disbelief to the bizarre robotic message left by some AI at Blockbuster Video. Those jokers don't even have to call people themselves? Man, when *I* worked at a video store (uphill, in the snow, both ways), the worst part of my job was calling people about their late videos. Because NO ONE admitted their copy of "Beauty and the Beast" was fucking wedged in with the ketchup packets and crayons in the back seat of their minivan. NO ONE who lustily took home the cheesy softcore pr0n we had would ever admit that it was currently gathering a layer of dust next to a bunch of wadded up kleenexes on their nightstand. NO. Each and every person I ever had the misfortune of calling would argue endlessly, with a ridiculous amount of fury.

"Hello?"
"Hi, this is Sundry from First Stop Video, and I'm calling because our records show that you have an overdue tape -"
"WHAT? YOU LIE! I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!"

Then, an hour later or so, the tape would come slithering ker-thunk through the dropbox.

Oh, and THEN? Those same people would argue a late fee like they were fucking Johnny Cochran.

"If I don't agree, you must delete the fee!"

Bah. Video store clerks these days, what with their "automated calling system" and their "fancypants no-rewind-necessary DVDs" and their - hey you kids get off my damn lawn.

:::

Oh, Burt's Bees Lip Balm. It…it isn't you. It's me. No…I've - changed. I'm just not the same person I was when you and I first - god, this is hard.

Look, I didn't mean for things to go like this. It all just happened so fast. I don't know. No, I wasn't looking for something different. I swear.

Please don't hate me. I still have feelings for you, Burt's Bees Lip Balm. Your smooth slickery waxiness, with your smell of mint and…yes, just a hint of vanilla. Your cheery yellow tube. The way you feel when I reach into my purse and wrap my fingers around your cylindrical shape. Ohhh.

No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - look, I hope we can be friends. Okay? Please? BeneFit Dr. Feelgood Silky Lip Balm and I…we're just, you know, it just happened.

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12 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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