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10.22.2003 - 5:21 p.m.

Wednesday

I am spending wayyy too much time obsessively reading other people's JournalCon recaps. It's so fun, though, hearing everyone's perspective on the weekend. I love that everyone had such a good time - I mean, it's nice to know it wasn't just me running around Austin going "Woooo! Party!" (not that I literally did that…ok, I might have once) and everyone else was like "We are all so very bored, and would someone shut that stupid chick UP."

It's hard to believe I was enjoying warm sunny weather just a few days ago, it's been wet as hell here in Seattle. We had record rainfall on Monday and there was a lot of flooding. I got stuck in the worst traffic EVER Monday night because a busy street in my neighborhood was closed off due to high water. Idling in my fogged-up car, I called JB, who was also on his way home, and this is how he answered his cell:

"Fucked. Up. Beyond. ALL. Recognition."

I asked if he checked that it was me before answering, and he grumped that he didn't give a shit who was calling, and what was up with the goddamn traffic.

It could have been worse, though. I was talking with a coworker yesterday and he asked me what he could do for his friend who had spent the weekend putting in $10K worth of wooden flooring over the weekend, only to have it flooded Monday night. "I bet Hallmark actually has a card for that occasion," I said thoughtfully.

At a time like this
I know you're feeling pain
Your custom oak floors
Were ruined in the rain
Just remember that hope
Is a many-feathered bird
Your homeowner's insurance
Should pay for a third.

:::

Oh no! The grammar police found me! Seriously, for those of you who put up with my typos and grammatical fuckups on a regular basis and don't, you know, rip on me about it in forums…thank you. Your totaly awesome.

:::

I have two items from my childhood that I have decided to share with you, so that you may laugh at me long and hard and maybe spray milk out your nose. I was digging through some old photo albums today, and found a couple of school projects from, I think, 5th grade.

The first is a dramatic written piece titled "The West And I":

When I overheard Dad talking to Mom about moving, I tell you, I slid like marmalade [uh, marmalade?] straight down onto the floor. Moving! I had lived 13 years of my life here in Kansas! I couldn't move! As I listened to them I heard: "West, Montana, we'll settle there." Well I scrambled up and staggered backwards off the wagon.

On the ground, flat on my back, I could hear them perfectly. Suddenly Ma came out and called me. "Willlll yummmmm!" she hollered. "Yes mam," I muttered. "William!" she snapped. "Yes mam!" I yelled, getting up and brushing myself off.

When I ran up she said: "We're going to take the wagon and settle in Montana, happily." [happily!] "Well, that sounds nice," I growled. But what could I say? ["I'm a big wagon-falling dumbass?" because, you know, that would at least be accurate]

Before I knew it, we were packed up and on our way. I only wish Mother would stop acting so dumb and yelling "Onward to Montana" like a kid. [it's awesome how I totally switched to present tense there]

Lucky I don't get wagonsick 'cause we rode for 6 weeks! One time I got so bored I accidentally set off a gun. [tragically ending Father's life?] We saw 3 Black Foot Indians and I was so excited I fell off the wagon again. [there's an alcoholism joke here somewhere]

When we got to Montana a tribe of Indians showed us some good farming land. [IE, we fucking stole it from them] It sure was hot work on our new farm. I must have planted at least a million seeds. But settling Montana wasn't quite as easy as I thought it would be [proving, here, that I had already forgotten the beginning of the story]…but still I didn't miss Kansas one bit! [probably because of wagon-falling related brain damage]

The End.

--

Wow, was that a gripping story or what? I know I'm glad I didn't pay for the full seat - because I only needed the edge!

The second is a delightful cartoon I titled "Troublesome Tom."

(Oh ho HO, Tom. Your hubris got you in the end, did it not? There you were, Tom - "I got him good", indeed, and then tragedy literally fell upon you. Tom, Tom, Tom…when will you change your troublesome ways?)

WELL. Those projects really speak for themselves, I think. I hardly find it necessary to point out the fact that I was clearly a child richly blessed with a profound creative vision. I'm...sure you'd agree with me.


go back ::: forward

JournalCon 2003

25 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland