03.26.2002 - 9:40 a.m.
I've been trying to do this low-carb eating thing. Yeah, I was
sort of hoping for a dramatic hey-my-old-size-5-pants-fit!
magical fat disappearance, but having been grounded in reality
for many years now I am not surprised that this has not happened.
I also wanted to change my eating habits, because I could LIVE
on just bread and pasta. Which seems like a fairly benign diet
but possibly lacking in some basic nutrients that prevent such
things as scurvy or the seven year itch.
The thing about eating
no carbs is that every trip to the kitchen is a mini tragedy.
Breakfast - no cereal. No toast. Granola? Nope. Oatmeal? Keep
moving. Lunch - sandwich? Ok, but no bread. Microwave Lean Cuisine?
Uh-uh. Fruit? Basically no. Dinner - no spaghetti. No baked potato.
No bagels, no Triscuits, no popcorn, no yogurt.
So I've basically been
eating string cheese. Mmmmmm. String-y. And salads. Stir-fry.
Things that begin with the letter "S". But I'll tell
you what I want, what I really really want. A Ritz cracker the
size of my fucking HEAD.
The cat has been dieting
as well. She went to this great Cat Spa, where she had all these
colonics, and - no, JB has just been feeding her less in the
morning. Because she is FAT, people. Like fat enough that when
she is lying on the couch armrest, parts of her droop down either
side. And it's not, like, a small armrest, ok?
Ok, so JB feeds her less,
which means all her food is gone by the early afternoon. That's
when she becomes possessed by demons. The first thing that happens
is that she knocks her bowl over in frustration. Clonk.
Then she starts the staring. Sitting on a couch reading a book?
Cat is staring at you. On the computer? Cat is sitting by the
chair staring at you. In the bathroom? Cat is outside, staring
at the door.
Then the tripping: whenever
I get up to walk somewhere, she shoots out in front of me, winding
between my legs. This move usually causes me to step on her foot,
whereupon she makes a loud MEET! sound and runs to the phone
to call the ASPCA.
Finally, The Fit. The Cat
Fit is where she displays classic transference of aggression
by running around the house - golomp golomp - and stopping
to rip at the carpet. Sometimes she alternates this with methodically
tearing the morning paper into little shreds.
Repeat until cat succumbs
to couch coma, wearing a baleful expression.
Have you seen Donnie Darko?
Well, you should. It's a good flick. I saw it in the theatre,
but JB missed it so we watched the DVD the other day. It's the
first DVD I've seen where the extra scenes were really interesting.
There were about 20 scenes that were cut from the film that the
director provided commentary for - which revealed things about
the movie I never would have gotten. You think that means the
cut version didn't get its point across, or that I'm just a dumbass
that needs things to be really really obvious oh and also could
you help me tie my shoes cause the special bus is picking me
I love getting guestbook
entries - seriously, I check like 38194751012932 times a day
and I get all squealy when I see a new one and I say "Cat!
I got a guestbook entry!" and she basically just glares
because honestly, the cat could care less, unless maybe there's
tuna in the guestbook somewhere.
But I'm thinking it might
be fun to also have a message board, where maybe people could
respond to a comment, or I could, or whatever. So I'm going to
for a while. See how it works out. If there's not really any
interest, or I get too sick of the stupid banner ad, or the planets
align in a manner that tells me the message board is evil, I'll
just yank it. I've got the POWER. Anyway, check it out, if you
Sundry's Message Board
go back :::
03.25.2002 - I'll
say this for the whole egg-dyeing orgy, though.
03.22.2002 - Lo,
the suckage hath been great.
03.21.2002 - You
struggle to arrange the fabric over yourself so as to retain
a semblance of dignity, but it is useless.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004