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03.26.2002 - 9:40 a.m.

Tuesday
I've been trying to do this low-carb eating thing. Yeah, I was sort of hoping for a dramatic hey-my-old-size-5-pants-fit! magical fat disappearance, but having been grounded in reality for many years now I am not surprised that this has not happened. I also wanted to change my eating habits, because I could LIVE on just bread and pasta. Which seems like a fairly benign diet but possibly lacking in some basic nutrients that prevent such things as scurvy or the seven year itch.

The thing about eating no carbs is that every trip to the kitchen is a mini tragedy. Breakfast - no cereal. No toast. Granola? Nope. Oatmeal? Keep moving. Lunch - sandwich? Ok, but no bread. Microwave Lean Cuisine? Uh-uh. Fruit? Basically no. Dinner - no spaghetti. No baked potato. No bagels, no Triscuits, no popcorn, no yogurt.

So I've basically been eating string cheese. Mmmmmm. String-y. And salads. Stir-fry. Things that begin with the letter "S". But I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. A Ritz cracker the size of my fucking HEAD.

The cat has been dieting as well. She went to this great Cat Spa, where she had all these colonics, and - no, JB has just been feeding her less in the morning. Because she is FAT, people. Like fat enough that when she is lying on the couch armrest, parts of her droop down either side. And it's not, like, a small armrest, ok?

Ok, so JB feeds her less, which means all her food is gone by the early afternoon. That's when she becomes possessed by demons. The first thing that happens is that she knocks her bowl over in frustration. Clonk. Then she starts the staring. Sitting on a couch reading a book? Cat is staring at you. On the computer? Cat is sitting by the chair staring at you. In the bathroom? Cat is outside, staring at the door.

Then the tripping: whenever I get up to walk somewhere, she shoots out in front of me, winding between my legs. This move usually causes me to step on her foot, whereupon she makes a loud MEET! sound and runs to the phone to call the ASPCA.

Finally, The Fit. The Cat Fit is where she displays classic transference of aggression by running around the house - golomp golomp - and stopping to rip at the carpet. Sometimes she alternates this with methodically tearing the morning paper into little shreds.

Repeat until cat succumbs to couch coma, wearing a baleful expression.

:::

Have you seen Donnie Darko? Well, you should. It's a good flick. I saw it in the theatre, but JB missed it so we watched the DVD the other day. It's the first DVD I've seen where the extra scenes were really interesting. There were about 20 scenes that were cut from the film that the director provided commentary for - which revealed things about the movie I never would have gotten. You think that means the cut version didn't get its point across, or that I'm just a dumbass that needs things to be really really obvious oh and also could you help me tie my shoes cause the special bus is picking me up soon?

:::

I love getting guestbook entries - seriously, I check like 38194751012932 times a day and I get all squealy when I see a new one and I say "Cat! I got a guestbook entry!" and she basically just glares because honestly, the cat could care less, unless maybe there's tuna in the guestbook somewhere.

But I'm thinking it might be fun to also have a message board, where maybe people could respond to a comment, or I could, or whatever. So I'm going to post this for a while. See how it works out. If there's not really any interest, or I get too sick of the stupid banner ad, or the planets align in a manner that tells me the message board is evil, I'll just yank it. I've got the POWER. Anyway, check it out, if you like.

Sundry's Message Board

go back ::: forward

03.25.2002 - I'll say this for the whole egg-dyeing orgy, though.
03.22.2002 - Lo, the suckage hath been great.
03.21.2002 - You struggle to arrange the fabric over yourself so as to retain a semblance of dignity, but it is useless.

0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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