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2002-02-01 - 11:51 a.m.

Today is the day where I tell you Two Shameful Secrets.

Aren't you excited? Giddy? Maybe a little…naughty feeling?

The first shameful secret is that I've watched "Planet's Funniest Animals" on Animal Planet like 3 times this week. That's sort of shameful in itself, but the really bad part is that each show makes me laugh so freaking hard it's ridiculous. I always turn the volume way down, because I'm paranoid someone will overhear and maybe break down the door and stick TV cameras in my face and ask me something like "Explain how a grown woman such as yourself finds a squirrel falling out of a tree with a Scooby-Doo-like sound effect - AMUSING??" I just can't help myself. And god knows the host alone is reason enough not to watch the damn show. He looks freakishly insipid, but you just know there's 23 Boy Scouts buried in his driveway. You know when he gets home from providing the Bob Saget commentary for the cats who can play the piano he's all, "IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BUCKET. IT DOES THIS WHENEVER ITS TOLD."

Were you expecting something juicier? I'm sorry.

My second shameful secret is that I really don't know who's playing in the SuperBowl. Seriously. I think it's…the Patriots? And someone else, I guess. I just like the ads (it'll probably just be all Britney Spears commercials, though. Britney hawks Pepsi! Ovaltine! Super Maxi Pads with Retsin!). This year I will call all the companies who have advertisements in that time slot because hell, we know they have money. Maybe they're hiring.

What do you want to bet there is a very carefully crafted Arthur Andersen commercial? You know, something soothing and reassuring, maybe just a somber executive talking earnestly to The People.

I watched too much TV last night. I think we have ascertained that I watch too much TV in general, but last night was this blissful orgy of Friends (have you noticed that the cast looks weird now? They'll all finally aging, or something - everybody is all taut and leathery), Family Guy (name me another show that says 'taint' in primetime), Will & Grace (some people want to be like Mike - I want to be like Karen), and Temptation Island (go ahead and screw each other already. Damn). Oooh, mind-numbing…

Also I ate a bunch of sunflower seeds. So today my tongue feels weird. I am Job.


Random: the coolest 404 ever.

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