2002-01-24 - 3:31 p.m.
I am feeling like a total
wimp right now. I am Jack's sub-standard cardiovascular health.
If the situation called for it, I would be unable to fight crime.
See, I've been going to this
kickboxing class at my gym. I was doing really well with it a
few months ago, watching some of my body parts get bigger (like
my shoulders and biceps) and some get smaller (like my ass).
I love the instructor. He's an appealing drill instructor type
that yells at everyone to "get aggressive! go harder!"
and you feel all grrr! Ok! - while you're flailing your wimpy
little punch out or whatever. When I first started with the class
I was all flustered and Hot For Teacher checking out his various
muscle groups but now I feel more of this "WhateverYouSaySIR!!"
kinda vibe, which is cool.
So at today's class, about halfway
through, I got completely crapped out. I was all dizzy and stuff.
I thought I could just take a water break and be ok but I started
getting this nauseous sensation. I really really didn't want
to leave the class and chance Drill Instructor to yell something
at me ("WUSS! Get back in here and give me 20!") but
the fear that I might barf overrode everything else so I bailed.
Went to the locker room and laid out flat on the bench for a
while, then hightailed it home. I don't know what my problem
was, if it was overexertion or what. Must…get…in…better…shape…
I have a THING about barfing.
I hate doing it. I also would rather eat glass than barf in public.
I once overheard a conversation between two women about morning
sickness. "Oh yeah," one told the other, "I would
barf at the drop of a hat. I would walk in a room, and if there
was a smell that was too strong - YARP, I would just blow chunks.
I started carrying plastic bags around with me."
I mean, is it weird that I am
filled with horror at this confession? Imagine standing in line
at the bank or whatever, and you casually slip out your little
personal puke bag and daintily void the contents of your stomach
in front of everyone.
I suppose when you are all ready
to have children, and the rabbit dies (where did that expression
come from, anyway?), and you are all blissed out and radiant
and glowing and people hold doors for you and beam at you because
you are Earth Mother, you are performing this miracle
- maybe then you don't worry about puking, hemorrhoids, the texture
and color of your hair changing, weird skin pigmentation, and
of course the small matter of passing an entire human being through
Here is a recent email conversation
I had with a friend of mine, on this very subject:
----- Original Message
To: my friend
Subject: Re: Hey
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 11:53:39 -0800
told me when she emailed him to let him know she was pregnant.
That's great for those guys, I wish her all the best. I was sort
of dumbstruck by it, in a I-can't-believe-people-our-age-are-reproducing
kind of way. I mean, intellectually I am aware my body physically
could have pumped out like 10 kids by now but it still freaks
me out because apparently mentally I am only 9 or so. I morbidly
watch those shows on TLC like Maternity Ward where they show
women all in pain and smooshing out babies that emerge covered
in jello and it.flips.me.out. The husband is always there all
supportive and *watching* all the action that is going on downtown,
too. I told JB whenever we get to that point off in the reproduction-horizon
he is not allowed to LOOK down there during the whole birth process.
Then again, I am 9 right now, and maybe will grow up soon.
From: my friend
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 9:19 PM
I know people my age give birth. it is a simple statement of
fact that I went to high school with and knew several girls who
gave birth before we even finished 12th grade. but I think the
film we saw in 9th grade biology class of the "live birth"
did something to me, and each time the concept of giving birth
is mentioned and applied to MY life, I am reduced to that terrified,
disgusted 13 year old. I don't wonder why there are men who can't
have sex with their wives after they see them give birth. it
is completely unfair, yes, but understandable. consequently,
I refuse to watch "maternity ward".
of my close friends have kids, janet is the first of my close
FEMALE friends to give birth. I have known that janet wants kids
all along, but I let myself believe that she'd go on as tongue
lasher/career woman forever. and i never thought she'd bear children
before lisa... who is also on a mission to become pregnant right
now. while I am very happy for them, this whole scene is giving
To: my friend
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 4:12 PM
Yeah. When JB read Janet's email, he was at home and read part
of it to me. I said "well, that's great!" and then
slid into a weird funk that resulted in me randomly blurting,
about an hour later, "I certainly hope you don't wish *I*
were pregnant!" He was like "Ummm...no.", probably
mentally adding "PSYCHO". It was weird to hear cause
it's someone my own age, deciding ON PURPOSE and everything,
to have a child. I mean, I can't even water my plants regularly.
I started brooding on how she was all multitasking with her career
and probably a houseowner and oh by the way also growing a *whole
entire person* in her spare time. That was the night
I watched a whole hour of Maternity Ward and snapped at JB about
how he wasn't going to be allowed to look Down There during that
moment, whenever that moment should be. Him: "Umm...ok." (PSYCHO). Because really, I know it's a
beautiful moment and angels are singing right then and whatever
but how could you ever look at it the same again? And what happens
with all that pushing if you have to go to the bathroom...like
#2???? Oh, god.
From: my friend
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2002 2:35 PM
> i don't know how to tell you this exactly, but before you
give birth... they give you an enema.
JB and I plan to have a family
someday. Just let me hit snooze on that biological clock for
a few more years, I'm not grown up enough yet.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004