10.29.2004 - 2:48 p.m.
Friday
So I visited the facilities here at the office earlier this morning and I discovered that my underwear was on inside out. You know what's fucked up about that? This is like the fifth time in as many weeks that this has happened to me.
What the hell is going on? It's not like I buy reversible underwear, even if they made such a, ew, thing. I tried to see where my mistake lay but on close inspection it seems completely inexplicable - I mean, the tag is flipped outwards, the cotton crotch is nestled snugly denim-side-out, the goofy leopard print pattern isn't visible because it's facing the fucking wrong way, and so on.
It sucks to be away from the privacy of your own home and to suddenly realize that you've got a massive user error happening where your panties are concerned. I can assure you there is no option to simply leave things as they are, because once you figure out that the seams are on the wrong side, that's all you can think about - your brain becomes devoid of all content except for the phrase "MY UNDERWEAR IS ON INSIDE OUT" which is being broadcast in blinking neural lights. If you don't rectify the situation, it can be dangerous to try and participate in normal conversations.
My boss: "How is the website redesign going?"
Me: "My underwear! Is on inside out! Gahhhh!"
My boss: "Um, I -"
Me: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" *claws madly at pants*
The only thing to do is to take the underwear off, flip it, and put it back on again. Which is one thing when you're in your bedroom, say, but when you're in the women's restroom at your place of business? I'm here to tell you that nothing will put you less at ease than hanging around with your PANTS OFF but your SHIRT ON and ALSO YOUR SHOES (so, so unsexy) and only one little tiny measly lock between you and total public humiliation. I'd rather be busted with my ass on the pot than displayed in all my underwear-switching glory, leaping around on one foot while trying not to step directly into the crotch of the panties with my jeans all piled on the sink getting a big water stain right on the butt and my fucking shoelace that won't untie so I have to try and snake my shoe through the leg of my underwear GAHHH.
I suppose this means that I'm getting stupider. It's probably only a matter of time before I lose the ability to dress myself altogether and I have start wearing giant smocks that Velcro shut. Until then, I'll be in the bathroom, okay?
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