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07.29.2004 - 8:29 p.m.


Let me introduce mysef. I am a goddess, the goddess Fate.

What you need to know is that I don't have a big fucking magic steering wheel or anything. I'm just, like, this amazing force that strews possibilities all over the place. I disconnect the where from the when. I offer you the vertical and the horizontal. I bend what you know of as truth, and being as how I'm a goddess I do it all with fabulous hair, an eighteen inch waistline, and an enormous pair of tits.

Who am I? Dammit, I'm the candlestick, pistol, and the wrench. I'm Professor Plum, I'm Colonel Mustard. I'm the library and the ballroom AND the conservatory.

There is no inevitable conclusion to any event, despite what we all might like to believe. Everything is malleable. Everything is changing from one moment to the next. Any unimaginable number of jokes can change their punchline before your next exhale.

Cause and effect, meet deus ex machina.

I do not deal in absolutes. Let's get that straight right now. Worship me, if that's what you like to do with goddesses, with the pull of a slot machine handle. Stars in the sky, heartbeats of an immortal, lemons and cherries, they're all the same to me. I am the embodiment of chance and I will refuse your every desire to control me.

Oh, and by the way? The next time you come across the word "destiny" in a book, I want you to cross it out with a big El Marko permanent pen and and write "DIVINE WILL OF SATAN" in its place.

That should freak people out.

Anyway, I'm here for a reason, to pluck up one of the millions of whirling what ifs in someone's world, and lay it out . Not the future - a future. Got me? If you're not with me so far on that you might want to wait for the large print edition of this shit.



Here we go.


Smell the sweet, tangy inhale of sun-warmed ponderosa and the spice of red cedar, the coppery cool swallow of the river's jumbled stone back and its rushing lively liquid contents. Breathe the bite of wild mint and the grassy alfalfa seed fields.

You have only pleasant activities to consider.

Three black-capped chickadees are quarreling briefly at a stone feeder, then explode skyward in a flurry of irritated wingbeats. Nearby, a cluster of bright yellow daisies trembles before parting to reveal the friendly gaze of a fat, striped marmalade cat with a bobbed tail.

Blown from a dripping plastic wand; a soap bubble shivers and grows and breaks free to float in the air unassisted. It rises in the sunlight and a thousand active rainbows are dancing on its surface. A rustling sigh of wind moves through pine branches and hillsides and over glacial white peaks, coming to rest in your ear along with the laughter of delighted children.

You are - this is important!- truly and blissfully happy right now. You are healthy and strong and you are content in your life and you feel loved by your family.

Breathe and the moment is gone, so don't. Hold your breath so this is with you forever: you can smell it, hear it, feel it, as the bubble spins upward and transforms into a diamond-wink that you can see even when you close your eyes.


That right there is the potential intellectual property of a John from Seattle, Washington. I'm not the all-knowing sort of goddess, so I don't have the 411 on this guy. You'd have to talk with Nature for that kind of thing. I'm not sure who he's banging but he must have connections, because I don't do this sort of thing often. I'm Fate, dammit, not Casey Kasem.

Well, whoever you are, happy birthday, John. I hope all your futures make you smile. And if they don't, just wait - things always seem to change, now don't they?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a busy goddess. I have people to smite.

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10 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland