06.02.2004 - 2:08 p.m.
There are many things I like about my tongue piercing, now that it's all perfectly healed and no longer makes me sound like Daffy Duck. I like the constant reminder of it, the fun of clanking it around and chewing on it. I like startling people with it ("Whoah! When'd you get that?"). I didn't even mind when I ate a Harry Potter jelly slug the other day and it fused, napalm-eque, to the barbell and I had to suck on it for like half an hour to get it clean.
There's one thing I keep doing with it, though, that I know is a terrible habit and please don't leave dentisty comments because I know, I know, it's awful and all my teeth are going to crack into thousands of little broken calcium-flavored Chiclets, I KNOW.
Here's what I do: I take the bar, and I bite it so it's twisted sideways. Then I shove it down between my lower molars until it's stuck there.
So, yeah, the bar gets stuck there, which traps my tongue. For the few moments until I can pop it back up, my tongue is turned sideways and smashed flat against the bottom of my mouth.
Drooling CAN occur, in this situation. So can extremely garbled speech. "Nyush a shuccond..."
I have no idea why I enjoy this painfully retarded activity so much. But wait, there's more!
I also find that I am quite fond of sticking out my tongue, and pressing on the bottom of the bar with my lower teeth to see how far I can shove the jewelry out of the top of my tongue. This is my 'lost in thought' pose, which I would guess is less The Thinker in appearance and more Early Mental Patient.
I won't get rid of it, though. My tongue pierce sits in my mouth, an endless source of entertainment. No matter how stupid I look. Yuh huh.
Oh, you have to listen to Nelly McKay. You must. I insist. She is so very, very good.
There's a big part of my job that isn't terribly exciting, like writing boring-ass press releases or dealing with evil, evil software retailers. However, sometimes I get the chance to work on silly, cool things that make it all worthwhile.
Remember a while back I told you about this thing, where we came up with the software-as-nailgun theory? Well, our graphic designer, who's been slaving over the packaging design for our retail box, came up with an AWESOME illustration of the most hardcore fucking nailgun you ever saw in your life. The design will be printed on the insert piece of the box that holds the manual - with our company name, the nailgun, the text "little friend" (as in 'say hello to my'), and a pointer to a page on our website. The web page will read:
The WORKPLACE NAILGUN.
Once upon a time, in the rain-spattered city of Seattle, a small software company gathered together. Surrounded by cans of soda, piles of cat fur, and large coffee beverages, they set about the difficult task of defining their je ne sais quoi, their raison d'etre...and other phrases that are not French.
What IS Workplace, they cried. What do we bring to the world?
"Release notes with occasional spelling errors," someone murmured, but they were quickly silenced.
Then, a voice from the mighty Support Manager rose above the din. "Software should be fun," he said. "We make software that is fun."
"I don't think using software is fun," a non-engineer - and therefore an unwashed heathen - said. The heathen went on to say, "I think of using software like using a tool, to get a job done."
"How can you NOT say software is fun?" The engineers, as one, were taken aback.
"Because, like I just said, it's using a tool. Do you think a hammer is fun?" huffed the heathen.
"Maybe not," said the Support Manager. "But a NAILGUN is."
And lo, the heathens and engineers alike could agree, a nailgun is fun.
We are Workplace. Our purpose is to make software...that is like a nailgun.
Last but not least, I give you Dog. Yawning. And wearing a bandana.
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