05.27.2004 - 5:35 p.m.
Now what's this? What's
the object of all this darkness all over me? They haven't gone
and buried me alive while my back was turned, have they? Ah,
now would you think they'd do a thing like that? Oh, no, I know
what it is. I'm awake. That's it. I've waked up in the middle
of the night. Well, isn't that nice. Isn't that simply ideal.
Twenty minutes past four, sharp, and here's Baby wide-eyed as
I lie there and toss and
turn and toss and turn. Blue! Does a person ever get blue lying
awake that way!
- Dorothy Parker
I've been down in the dumps
lately, and nothing's worse on galloping misery like waking up
in the wee hours and reviewing your life with a flea comb. Bah.
Counting sheep does not help,
because those sheep will all have spray-painted words on their
wooly sides that say mean things about you. And then you will
feel sorry for the sheep and desperately wonder if there's
any paint-wool-solvent that can help them.
When almost any subject is
up for a rousing game of The Myriad of Reasons I Suck, I've found
that the most soothing mental exercise is to think of superficial
topics that irk the living crap out of me. Once I've run through
my hit list a few times, if all goes well the spotlight is taken
off my own neuroses and I can fall back asleep for the five minutes
before the FUCKING alarm goes off.
Items I've thought about recently:
STICKERS WITH ABNORMAL STICKING
Okay, this one really chaps
my hide. I bought a pretty planter pot (picked a peck of pickled
peppers?) at Home Depot recently, and I cannot for the life of
me get the price sticker off, which was strategically placed
over the little design on the front. Fingernails were put to
the task with the irritating result of the top layer pulling
off, and a thin paper-goo layer firmly adhered to the ceramic.
This is an ongoing problem
with photo frames, I've noticed. Why in the name of god would
you put the sticker right there on the glass, instead of on the
back, or the edge of the frame? A good solid 20 minutes with
acetone made a gooey mess of the front of a frame I got a while
back - the $19.95 part was gone, to be sure, but its ghost
And stickers on vegetables
and fruit? AAAARGH. Go ahead, slap a sticker on a banana, I'm
not going to munch up the peel, but leave the stickers
off my bell peppers! I can't get those off either, and I have
to cut them away with a knife - RIDICULOUS. Damn you, sticker
industry, with your NASA-engineered fusing capacity!
PEOPLE WHO ALLOW GROCERY
STAFF TO LOAD BAGS IN THEIR CARS
Okay, before you get your knickers
in a twist, I am not talking about handicapped folks, or frail
elderly, or anyone who is legitimately unable to get their bags
out to the car. But frankly, I almost never see anyone in actual
need use the services of the bagperson.
My local grocery store, a QFC,
employs a couple older people who bag groceries, and bring carts
in from outside. If I bought the entire fucking store,
I wouldn't ask for help getting my gluttonous bounty out to my
car. These people have a not-fun job to start with and they don't
need to be my personal slave to boot. However, time and time
again I have seen perfectly able bodied people respond with a
"Yes" when asked "Did you want some help to your
car with that?"
Maybe it's just me. I've been
in customer service, so I might have more empathy for the person
who trundles out Mrs. Doe's bags of shit while she chats animatedly
on her cellphone - I know I, personally, would be highly tempted
to slip an egg under the seat of her luxury SUV.
This is different from the
high school kid who's earning tips - because hello, have you
smelled the economy lately? It's not high school kids doing this
job anymore, and NO ONE FUCKING TIPS.
Just don't do it. Even if you're
hugely pregnant. Unless you bought three cases of beer and they
are really heavy, in which case I have some health-related websites
for you to read.
NASAL INHALER MEDICINE THAT
SAYS DO NOT USE MORE THAN ONCE IN 24 HOURS
The sheer, maddening tease
of it! The sweet, sweet relief of finally being able to breathe,
dear god, finally, and waking up the next morning all plugged
up again and being denied! Why invent a miraculous elixir
that unstops noses, then tell people they can only use it once?
There it sits on the bathroom counter
fingers tremble, reaching for it - but NO! The package clearly
states that using it more than once could cause symptoms to worsen!
What brutish pharmaceutical devil-spawn invented you, Afrin?
Damn you, damn you to hell and back!
So, anyway. The early-hour
rant. It's just like chicken soup for the soul. Only with more
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004