05.23.2004 - 5:26 p.m.
I wrote my coworker an email
tonight and as I tried to send it, my computer decided it couldn't
find an internet connection. "DUH," it said. Basically.
So I restarted that piece of dinosaur shit, which is what you
have to do when that happens, and I saved the email in my drafts
Cranking back to life (82019832
years later - have I mentioned I'm gunning for a G5?), I launched
Outlook and clicked into drafts and sent my message. Then I saw,
sitting helpfully in there, just waiting to be opened and have
the word "Company" altered appropriately, my old cover
letter. Which I will share with you, in all its glory.
If you think your company
might benefit from a hard working, fun professional who is guaranteed
to become a valuable member on ANY team - keep reading!
Oh my god, I think I threw
up just a little. "Keep reading!" You can literally
see the cheesy hand-gun "Ktch!" motion there.
I am contacting you in
the hope you might find my skills relevant to Company's marketing
needs. My diverse high tech marketing experience, with an emphasis
on strategic planning and implementation, may be exactly
what you are looking for.
Exactly, by golly. Also, heh. People? I have
never executed anything "strategic" in my whole life.
My background encompasses
both marketing communications and product management.
stuff. That mostly sucked.
I have managed numerous
marketing program tactics, including PR, advertising, collateral,
stuff. That mostly sucked. Oh, and I did the admin
crap necessary for tradeshows. IE, I
I have written and designed
communication pieces, while I have also managed the execution
and deliverables from outside agencies.
Translation: I farmed out
the creative. Whoo!
I know how to work effectively
with internal and external customers - and enjoy it all.
Oh. Oh yes. I ENJOY IT ALL.
How was I not struck down by a bolt of lightening when I wrote
From partner programs to
direct mail, I have experience managing marketing projects that
require excellent organizational skills to ensure maximum return
Ah, and here is where I
completely ceased to communicate in English, and instead embraced
weasel-speak with all my soul. "I can file like you can't
believe?" Is THAT what I was trying to say?
Acting as corporate and
product evangelist are roles I embrace, and my excellent communication
skills are an asset when doing so.
Translation: I can talk
endlessly about your products in a fevered manner until little
balls of foamy spit congeal at the corners of my mouth! REALLY
I CAN! JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE I AM DYING HERE DYING!!!!
I am motivated
by creating dynamic, powerful marketing programs that successfully
impact target audiences.
Heh. I guess I would be.
If, you know, I'd ever worked on a dynamic, powerful marketing
program that successfully impacted a target audience.
You need someone who is
willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to gain fantastic
results for Company: marketshare, recognition, and SALES.
SALES! Watch me go for the
BOTTOM LINE! Coffee is for CLOSERS!!!!
I have the outstanding
creative and analytical skills to get the job done - on time,
on target, on budget.
What is this word "budget"?
For I have never had one.
With a proactive attitude
and the flexibility to stay focused in dynamic environments,
I aim for diverse contributions and a "can do" reputation.
People say I'm fun to work with, too!
Okay, I just threw up again.
Also, using the word "diverse" TWICE in a cover letter?
Faux fucking pas, man.
I would love to talk with
you about what I can offer Company - I know I could step in and
create a positive influence from day one. Thank you for your
time and consideration.
I am the sheriff that's
gonna clean UP this town! Give me one day, dammit, ONE DAY, and
I will pathetically crawl on my hands and knees to PROVE MY WORTH!
Ah, christ. What you have to
know about all of the above is 1) I would never write anything
that insincere and cheesy ever again, and 2) I was unemployed
for months when I was sending that out. I was so, so desperate.
I read that and I laugh, but I'm also shaking my head feeling
sorry for that grasping-at-straws girl.
Well - let's take a moment
to be thankful for Workplace, and all it has taught me. I know,
now, that I never would write that again because I never could.
I've worked somewhere with integrity and I never want to work
somewhere that accepts that sort of snowjob bullshit ever again.
I love my silly, laughing,
dysfunctional, geeky, honest, fucked-up, caring office. It's
weird, how much things have changed. Weird, but good.
I love Workplace. Wow. I have
an office I love.
And with that - pictures from
last week's slack day.
I can't remember exactly
what was happening here but it looks like Dog has rammed into
Bella at 67 MPH. I am holding an invisible beer, apparently.
Oh, like you've
never balanced a hedgehog on a giant dog's head.
I love this picture.
This is Andrew, my coworker. He's an amazingly talented amateur
photographer, so if you're looking for affordable portrait-wedding-what
have you, let me know.
Also SNOUTY SNOUTERTON + HEDGEHOG = TRULUV4EVR!!!
Think about it: does
someone YOU know deserved to be TP'd? I am Zen TP Girl, no need
Seriously. Oh. Mah. Gah. Could you not just die looking at that?
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004