05.10.2004 - 4:26 p.m.
Monday
I dragged JB through Victoria's
Secret on Saturday, which was pretty fun. I have finally discovered
the one clothing store on earth in which he is neither bored
out of his skull nor actively discouraging me from hitting our
credit limit.
Also, lingerie shopping with a man is hilarious:
"Do you like this?"
"Uh huh."
"How about this?"
"Oh yeah!"
"And this?"
"DEFINITELY."
So I brought my armful of things up to the register, where I
was rung up by a spectacular looking model-actress-VS clerk who
appeared to be on several tabs of ecstasy. "Do you need
a gift box," she murmured thickly, fluttering her eyelashes
at me. "Nope," I said. "Oooh
.so these are
allll for youuu?" she husked. "Um, yeah," I responded.
"Mmmnnn
." The woman purred at me. "Mmmn
lucky
girrrllll
" I swear she licked her (full, sensuous)
LIPS and WINKED.
Since everything I was buying technically fell under the "vaguely
uncomfortable adornment" category, I should have jerked
my thumb at JB and grunted "Ffff. Lucky GUY, you mean,"
but I was too staggered by experiencing the verbal equivalent
of a lap dance.
"Now," she said, raising a perfect eyebrow and gazing
at me with half-lidded eyes. I leaned in, holding my breath.
JB goggled, possibly praying for her to drop her VS outfit and
leap across the counter at me.
"Do you have
an Angel card?"
Oh.
"Are you sure *pout* I can't sign you up today?"
Dang.
"It's a really great *lip lick* deal
."
Regardless of the motivations behind the salesgirl's sultry demeanor
(maybe it really was all just for me
after all, I was
decked out in my fabulous and classy faux-vintage cornmeal ad
t-shirt that reads "Every sack guaranteed" on the front
and "I'll get you in the sack" on the back - who in
their right mind could possibly resist that?), JB left the store
a new man. "That was awesome," he said, strutting like
Travolta. "We have got to go back there."
:::
Earlier I had the following
email exchange with JB, which cracked me right the hell up:
----- Original Message -----
From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:36 PM
Subject: i don't get yer comments
Adrien - 2004-05-10 15:00:42
"Awful good cereal flakes, Miz Sundry."?
--
From: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:39 PM
To: JB
Subject: Re: i don't get yer comments
Raising Arizona quote.
--
From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:41 PM
Subject: RE: i don't get yer comments
And that was included why?
--
From: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:44 PM
To: JB
Subject: Re: i don't get yer comments
DUH. You are not worthy.
--
From: JB
To: Sundry
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 1:56 PM
Subject: RE: i don't get yer comments
DUDE. W.T.F. ? You wrote
about SkyMall, tomatoes, and a fargin bug vacuum. Excuse me for
not seeing the linear path between those items and a RA quote
about cereal.
:::
I really, really hate the new
ads that run in movie theaters before the previews actually start.
It was annoying enough when they were slides, static porntastic
closeups of splurting Coke geysers that apparently were meant
to drive you, leering and slobbering, directly to the concession
stand. Then there were the INTERACTIVE slides accompanied by
revolting pop-Muzak, with amazingly stupid movie trivia questions
and edge-of-your-seat "soda races" (who ever sat there
thinking hope 7-Up wins, oh dear god let 7-Up win
FUCK
IT'S DIET COKE FUCK YOU DIET COKE FUCK YOU IN YOUR DIRTY DIET
FUCKHOLE!!!).
Now, though, they're full-fledged commercials. You can't escape.
We went to Kill Bill 2 on Friday and I had to suffer through
the most obnoxious advertisement in the history of the planet,
and I DO include every damn Mentos ad ever made. Honestly, I
don't even know how to describe it except that it was for Fanta
soda - and there were these soda
chicks
.singing
this terrible
song ("Fanta Fanta wanna Fanta
wanna Fanta Fanta Fanta" - AND SO ON)
and dancing
.with
these OUTFITS.
So we endured this abomination to all that is holy, and as it
came to its mind-rendingly horrendous conclusion, the entire
audience sat in a stunned silence, collectively wishing for airsickness
bags. Then, the screen loudly informed us, "You've just
seen The Twenty!"
(This what the satanic mix of ads is called, probably named after
how many years of your life it steals.)
"Miss anything? Get to the theater earlier next time!"
Too bad the geniuses behind The Twenty didn't hear the loud,
derisive audience laughter in response to the suggestion one
should arrive extra early to catch ALL of their amazing advertising.
Hello, Twenty? We paid money to see Quentin's cinematic wank
session over Uma Thurman, not to have our retinas exposed to
the goddamn Fanta girls.
JB and I went out with our friends Chiara and Carl on Saturday to see Eternal Sunshine
of the Spot-Free Rinse or whatever it is (what? I loved it, but
I can't get the name right, okay?), and thankfully we went to
an old theater that spared us the ads. Yay for old theaters!
Not only are Chiara and Carl cool enough to know where the good
theaters are, but they're also familiar with the best
pastry shops.
last ::: next
20
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005 Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004 Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004 Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004 Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004
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