04.08.2004 - 7:24 p.m.
The only thing more boring
than having a cold is reading about someone else's cold, so I
won't dwell on that particular subject, except to say: did you
know it is possible to sleep 24 hours - in a row? It is!
This evening I got down on
my fur-plastered carpet in order to work out to my recently purchased
"Crunch: Pick Your Spot Pilates" DVD. Despite what
one might furtively hope, it does not include a segment
on the elusive G spot, but instead offers "3 targeted 10-minute
workouts for your belly, butt, and thighs".
God knows these are three areas
of my good self that require some serious toning, so I picked
it up on a whim from Wherehouse Music, where I was buying a CD.
"Ah," said the clerk. "Modest Mouse and Pilates?
You must be a woman of unique, exotic tastes. I find you powerfully
No, he didn't really say that.
Or did he?
(He did not.)
So the problem about doing
a floor workout in my house is threefold: for one, the pet hair.
The piles and drifts and tumbleweeds from a spring-shedding Lab,
that defy all vacuums and luckily blend in with our beige carpet,
instantly coat your body from head to toe, and god forbid you
start sweating, because that's when things get Downright
Gross. After five minutes, you look like a Tootsie Pop rolled
in dryer lint.
The second and third thing
are the dog and the cat, respectively. After ignoring me for
the entirety of the day, the moment I lower myself to the floor
they are vastly intrigued. What IS this strange new creature
in our midst, they ask themselves, and swarm in for a closer
Try doing crunches with a moist
snout pressed in your ear. Try pushups with a tail winding sinuously
in your armpit. Try leg lifts with an insistent paw on
After enough shoving, and bleats
of "Get! Go on!" they retreat, but only mere inches
away, where they STARE. Let me tell you, the only thing that
can make you feel more ridiculous than being cheered on from
the television ("Great job! You're looking good!" -
Ellen Barrett, Certified Pilates instructor) is having four eyeballs
boring little holes into you the entire time you're working your
belly, butt, and thighs.
I finished the DVD, and roller-taped
my entire body. Once I was upright, the pets immediately lost
interest and fell into furry little comas.
I looked in the mirror, but
I guess it takes more than one workout to morph into Madonna.
Aw, my friend
You have to go read his entry, it's so sweet and funny and charming,
just like him. Congratulations, Scott!
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004