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04.08.2004 - 7:24 p.m.


The only thing more boring than having a cold is reading about someone else's cold, so I won't dwell on that particular subject, except to say: did you know it is possible to sleep 24 hours - in a row? It is!


This evening I got down on my fur-plastered carpet in order to work out to my recently purchased "Crunch: Pick Your Spot Pilates" DVD. Despite what one might furtively hope, it does not include a segment on the elusive G spot, but instead offers "3 targeted 10-minute workouts for your belly, butt, and thighs".

God knows these are three areas of my good self that require some serious toning, so I picked it up on a whim from Wherehouse Music, where I was buying a CD. "Ah," said the clerk. "Modest Mouse and Pilates? You must be a woman of unique, exotic tastes. I find you powerfully attractive."

No, he didn't really say that. Or did he?

(He did not.)

So the problem about doing a floor workout in my house is threefold: for one, the pet hair. The piles and drifts and tumbleweeds from a spring-shedding Lab, that defy all vacuums and luckily blend in with our beige carpet, instantly coat your body from head to toe, and god forbid you start sweating, because that's when things get Downright Gross. After five minutes, you look like a Tootsie Pop rolled in dryer lint.

The second and third thing are the dog and the cat, respectively. After ignoring me for the entirety of the day, the moment I lower myself to the floor they are vastly intrigued. What IS this strange new creature in our midst, they ask themselves, and swarm in for a closer view.

Try doing crunches with a moist snout pressed in your ear. Try pushups with a tail winding sinuously in your armpit. Try leg lifts with an insistent paw on your arm.

After enough shoving, and bleats of "Get! Go on!" they retreat, but only mere inches away, where they STARE. Let me tell you, the only thing that can make you feel more ridiculous than being cheered on from the television ("Great job! You're looking good!" - Ellen Barrett, Certified Pilates instructor) is having four eyeballs boring little holes into you the entire time you're working your belly, butt, and thighs.

I finished the DVD, and roller-taped my entire body. Once I was upright, the pets immediately lost interest and fell into furry little comas.

I looked in the mirror, but I guess it takes more than one workout to morph into Madonna. Damn it.


Aw, my friend got engaged. You have to go read his entry, it's so sweet and funny and charming, just like him. Congratulations, Scott!

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11 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland