03.09.2004 - 10:57 a.m.
Tuesday
Have the Sims stolen my ability to accurately observe the passing of time? I re-read yesterday's entry, in which I wrote about "yesterday" as if it were Sunday, when I was talking about Saturday, which as of "yesterday", IE "Monday", was actually "the day before yesterday". What happened to Sunday? Did I play Sims ALL DAY LONG and subsequently FORGET about it?!?
No, of course, ha ha, not. Sunday was spent in preparation for launching an alpine assault on Mt. Hood. Oh, didn't I mention that I climb to the top of crevasse-studded mountains on a regular basis? Yeah, I was just going to throw on the old crampons and -
What?
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
Oh, fine. It's true my greatest athletic achievement to date was a 10K run several years ago that ended at, no lie, a brewery (where I immediately rehydrated with several nutritious pints of IPA), and it was in fact JB who planned to scramble up Mt. Hood, except in the final hour he was thwarted by avalanche danger.
So the Sims haven't completely hoovered out my hypothalamus just yet, despite yesterday's false reporting. I'm actually not sure how obsessed I will get with the game, because due to my incredibly dynamic personal traits that include a complete lack of patience combined with a profoundly dedicated laziness (this would be the reason I consistently leave toothpaste caps and peanut butter jar lids halfway screwed on, and yes I do believe that is actually grounds for divorce/manslaughter), I'm close to losing interest in those John and Linda Sims fuckers, because I can't figure out how to make them HAPPY.
They're both at zero Fun, Energy, and Comfort levels, and no amount of telling them to watch TV, dance, sleep, or man the barbecue seems to help. "I'm too depressed to look for a job," they inform me, so there's no income to buy them the things that are supposed to please them.
Maybe my Sims are just way too materialistic. They wouldn't eat, until I bought a fancy new refrigerator. Those two need some perspective, dammit! Is there like a Sims Peace Corp you can send your characters to?
I'm terrible at games period so it's highly likely I am just too stupid to figure this whole thing out. There's probably tons of really obvious things I should be doing that would keep them from plummeting into the suicidal depression they seem to be mired in. You know when they periodically sort of throw a fit and an icon appears above their heads, and you're supposed to buy them something (is this game like raising spoiled toddlers, or what)? I cannot for the life of me identify what they need. Last night, I tried to get JB to help.
"Look, see that thing above John's head? What IS that?" I asked.
"It looks like a dick."
"What the hell? It does not."
"Yep. It's a dick. That means he wants some action."
"It is NOT a dick."
"Give him some boo-TAY. That's why he's so bummed out. He needs to get laid!"
"Well, if he's visualizing a dick, it must mean he's GAY."
"HE IS NOT GAY."
"Wait, now there's a different icon. He wants something else. What IS that?"
"I think it's a...stuffed animal?"
"OH MY GOD HE'S A PLUSHIE."
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