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03.04.2004 - 12:57 p.m.


I'm at work, and I'm really supposed to be, you know, working right now.

I need to whip up a little plain text product data sheet that, supposedly, Apple store employees will refer to on their handy staff iPods in order to bestow their mighty third party developer knowledge to the slavering consumer masses ("Um, it says...hang on a sec...okay, it says you should, like, buy this. And stuff.")

I'm supposed to write up the specs for some sort of software registration system that anally probes our customers for their DNA so we can turn around and sell it to shifty European cloning organizations, collects their credit card information and uses it to purchase VHS cassettes of badly-captured donkey porn, and ultimately distributes their email addresses to every spam service in the known universe. Or at least that's what my privacy-freak coworkers appear to think I'm asking for.

I need to wrap up the copy that's going on our retail box. I am not even lying when I tell you that part of the box currently reads:

"And when you have a whole boatload of pages in one window, you can change to a list mode so you don't have to scroll. Scrolling's for chumps."


"You're the one who should be in control, so get out there and wield your newfound power! Fly my pretties! FLY!"

(Oh ho ho, it's going to be the most retarded software box ever.)

Instead, I'm spending my workday daydreaming about traveling at the end of the month and surfing Phuket-related websites (FYI: As much as I would like to say it is pronounced "fuckit", as in "fuckit, I'ma have a beer before noon", it's "pooh-ket").

We're staying two days in Patong, on the beach. Patong sounds pretty crazy, like maybe we could find some of that donkey porn I mentioned earlier. (Not that we want to. I'm just saying, the opportunity appears to be there.) "Ladyboy" shows seem to be fairly prevalent, which I kind of want to see but I am guessing JB will take a big old pass on that. Both of us really want to see some Muay Thai boxing. Booze and blood! Rrrrah!

The second two nights we're staying on Kata Beach, at this place. I'm crossing my fingers for good weather so we can just loll on the beach all day long.

Oh man oh man oh man. I can't wait.

In mortal fear of wearing a swimsuit in public, I have been eating Lean Cuisines, rice cakes, and fruit. I've been hamstering away on the old elliptical. I've been guzzling water by the fire-truckload.

I have learned that I am very good about diet and exercise if plane tickets to a tropical location have been secured. I should write a book that just has "Step 1-10: Book a trip to Hawaii", then 297 pages of stupid recipes like "banana surprise" (banana + yogurt = surprise!). If fucking Dr. Phil can produce a bestselling diet book...


• Dude, I should totally go to this restaurant in Bangkok.

• I guess you have to be specific when you're looking for a massage.

• Okay, I am SO NOT going here.

• It will be so very hard for me, but I must remember not to give head noogies in Thailand


Yeeeeaahh. I am never going to get anything done today.

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9 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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