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02.17.2004 - 12:34 p.m.


I have learned (confirmed?) my inner Martha rides the short bus. The Crafty Girl Bath Biscuits I was all gung-ho to make yesterday - well, I don't know how you can fuck up bath salts, but I managed to. See, this is why I hate baking. You have to be all namby-pamby about measuring out the ingredients, and if one single solitary thing goes wrong, you've got Ass Biscuits.

The project started out satisfyingly enough; I had a bowl with a powdery mixture of sea salt, baking soda, and corn starch that smelled nicely of the lavender essential oil I had added. Then I was supposed to add a teaspoon of vitamin E oil, which would have been fine except I had to smash open a jillion little capsules and hope the drippings from my fingers all added up to a teaspoon.

After the frustrating capsule-popping, I was thinking the rest would be easy, but then the instructions ordered me to add two eggs, which kind of skeeved me out because what, am I going to be poaching breakfast when I take a bath? So I stirred and I stirred and it turned into this gooey pasty glop, which I then rolled with a rolling pin and used a glass to cut out circular glop-pieces. I was directed to bake the glop for ten minutes, which filled the house with an aroma I can only describe as "lavendery...eggy....with a just a hint of ass".

The biscuits emerged as benign-looking pale disks, dotted with the dried lavender I had added (because I'm extra crafty! or not?). I waited until they dried, and took one to the bathroom where I filled the tub and plopped it in.

The disk sank despondently to the bottom, where it just lay there, refusing to fizz or melt or smell good or do ANYTHING other than shed little bits of doughlike material that clogged the drain. Rather than releasing a gentle herbal scent, wads of lavender came loose and floated around in an unappealing manner. I tried crumbling the biscuit, but it turned soft and nasty, cudlike, like a hunk of chewed bread. The predominate smell was egg, with an underlying assiness.

I have no idea what went wrong, I mean I don't think screwing up the vitamin E alone would have produced such dismal results. Maybe the chipper Crafty Girl writers left off some vital part of the process, like "Step 8: Go to and buy some REAL bath crap, you biscuit-baking skinflint!".


I am all for respecting Johnny Cash's music, but ha! JB and I have been singing "Ring of Fire" in reference to what we maturely call the "soupy poopies" (and it burns burns burns....) for years.


Other than The Great Biscuit Debacle, what a nice relaxing weekend overall. I read comic books in bed all morning yesterday while it was pouring rain outside, a thoroughly pleasant "activity". I performed respectable culinary ventures where the leftover fruit salsa from Sunday's orange-ginger salmon went perfectly with Monday's jerk chicken wraps. I savored a rare lunchtime margarita. I watched Eddie Izzard (again) and The Sopranos (again) and read Daniel Pinkwater's Fish Whistle (again).

Good times. I hope you had a dandy weekend, too.

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10 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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