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10.22.2003 - 5:21 p.m.
Wednesday
I am spending wayyy too much
time obsessively reading other people's JournalCon recaps. It's
so fun, though, hearing everyone's perspective on the weekend.
I love that everyone had such a good time - I mean, it's nice
to know it wasn't just me running around Austin going "Woooo!
Party!" (not that I literally did that…ok, I
might have once) and everyone else was like "We are
all so very bored, and would someone shut that stupid chick UP."
It's hard to believe I was
enjoying warm sunny weather just a few days ago, it's been wet
as hell here in Seattle. We had record rainfall on Monday and
there was a lot of flooding. I got stuck in the worst traffic
EVER Monday night because a busy street in my neighborhood was
closed off due to high water. Idling in my fogged-up car, I called
JB, who was also on his way home, and this is how he answered
his cell:
"Fucked. Up. Beyond. ALL.
Recognition."
I asked if he checked that
it was me before answering, and he grumped that he didn't give
a shit who was calling, and what was up with the
goddamn traffic.
It could have been worse, though.
I was talking with a coworker yesterday and he asked me what
he could do for his friend who had spent the weekend putting
in $10K worth of wooden flooring over the weekend, only to have
it flooded Monday night. "I bet Hallmark actually has a
card for that occasion," I said thoughtfully.
At a time like this
I know you're feeling pain
Your custom oak floors
Were ruined in the rain
Just remember that hope
Is a many-feathered bird
Your homeowner's insurance
Should pay for a third.
:::
Oh no! The grammar police found me! Seriously, for those
of you who put up with my typos and grammatical fuckups on a
regular basis and don't, you know, rip on me about it in forums…thank
you. Your totaly awesome.
:::
I have two items from my childhood
that I have decided to share with you, so that you may laugh
at me long and hard and maybe spray milk out your nose. I was
digging through some old photo albums today, and found a couple
of school projects from, I think, 5th grade.
The first is a dramatic written
piece titled "The West And I":
When I overheard Dad talking to Mom about
moving, I tell you, I slid like marmalade [uh,
marmalade?] straight down onto
the floor. Moving! I had lived 13 years of my life here in Kansas!
I couldn't move! As I listened to them I heard: "West, Montana,
we'll settle there." Well I scrambled up and staggered backwards
off the wagon.
On the ground, flat on my back, I could
hear them perfectly. Suddenly Ma came out and called me. "Willlll
yummmmm!" she hollered. "Yes mam," I muttered.
"William!" she snapped. "Yes mam!" I yelled,
getting up and brushing myself off.
When I ran up she said: "We're going
to take the wagon and settle in Montana, happily." [happily!]
"Well, that sounds nice," I growled. But what could
I say? ["I'm a big
wagon-falling dumbass?" because, you know, that would at
least be accurate]
Before I knew it, we were packed up and
on our way. I only wish Mother would stop acting so dumb and
yelling "Onward to Montana" like a kid. [it's awesome how I totally switched
to present tense there]
Lucky I don't get wagonsick 'cause we
rode for 6 weeks! One time I got so bored I accidentally set
off a gun. [tragically
ending Father's life?] We saw
3 Black Foot Indians and I was so excited I fell off the wagon
again. [there's an alcoholism
joke here somewhere]
When we got to Montana a tribe of Indians
showed us some good farming land. [IE,
we fucking stole it from them] It
sure was hot work on our new farm. I must have planted at least
a million seeds. But settling Montana wasn't quite as easy as
I thought it would be [proving,
here, that I had already forgotten the beginning of the story]…but still I didn't miss Kansas one bit!
[probably because of wagon-falling
related brain damage]
The End.
--
Wow, was that a gripping story
or what? I know I'm glad I didn't pay for the full seat - because
I only needed the edge!
The second is a delightful
cartoon I titled "Troublesome Tom."
(Oh ho HO, Tom. Your hubris
got you in the end, did it not? There you were, Tom - "I
got him good", indeed, and then tragedy literally fell upon
you. Tom, Tom, Tom…when will you change your troublesome
ways?)
WELL. Those projects really
speak for themselves, I think. I hardly find it necessary to
point out the fact that I was clearly a child richly blessed
with a profound creative vision. I'm...sure you'd agree
with me.
go
back :::
forward
25
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004
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