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10.11.2003 - 1:00 p.m.


Every morning I have to put Dog outside before I leave for work. When I do this, she sits and stares mournfully through the sliding glass door, large moist brown eyes following me while I gather my keys and go. How can you leave me like this? - she seems to be asking. The guilt!

So I've developed the Biscuit Tactic. When it's time to put her out, I break a dog discuit (Beggar Dog biscuits, heart-shaped!) into a few pieces and I toss them out into the yard in several directions. That way, her attention is diverted and I don't get the fucking Bambi eyes and I can go to work without feeling like I just walloped a baby seal pup with a ballpeen hammer.

I told you that in order to tell you this: I have two songs that I sing to Dog when I get the biscuit. They are both extremely stupid and I can only imagine how I look and sound when singing them. I think it is quite possible you might rupture a vital internal organ laughing, which is why I won't show you. It's for your health. All I can say is Dog likes them both very much and she augments my stellar performance by leaping about ecstatically (oh boy, biscuit a'comin'!) and making happy whimpering sounds.

The first song is sung very dramatically to the tune of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". It involves lots of hand gestures and an Elvis-like kneeling-and-pointing routine.

IF you want a biscuit AND you think I've got one (required: point at Dog, then point at self)
come on Dog tell me so
IF you really need one JUST reach out and bite me
come on DAWG let me know!

The second song is sung to "Who Let the Dogs Out" - so apropos, don't you think?

Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?

(repeat until Dog is insane)

Now Dog is happy in the morning and I get to completely dork out - to the extreme. Everybody wins!


I was fairly decent about going to the gym this week, I think I went three times. Which is a vast improvement on, you know, not going at all, so yay for that.

The gym, I think I've mentioned before, is e-fucking-normous. The two big cardio rooms are filled with row after row after row of elliptical machines, stairmasters, treadmills, bicycles, etc. It's a surreal experience to be gerbilling away on your machine and look at all the other people doing the exact same thing. Hundreds of people in movement, no one going anywhere. The men all trying to get bigger; the women, smaller. It's sort of bleak and hopeless and yet sort of motivating at the same time.

A new addition to the gym: now a club employee stands in the doorway and opens the door for people when they enter or exit, issuing a suave "Hello" or "Thank you for coming". Also - wine tasting in the club bistro. Good grief.


JB and I went to Kill Bill: Volume 1 last night. Let me tell you this, there are not enough asses in the entire world for that movie to have kicked. It both rocked AND rolled. Check it out, stat!

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JournalCon 2003

5 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland