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05.17.2003 - 2:29 p.m.


While we were on vacation, Dog was visiting her prior owner, no doubt enjoying the much larger yard and not missing us one whit. When we brought her home we realized that we'd forgotten her favorite toy, a stuffed armadillo. Joy the lab breeder said she would send the armadillo in a "care package" for Dog.

Joy is a very nice lady and she's taken a great interest in hearing about Dog's new life, but she is a tad weird. She seems the type that might collect Kewpie dolls, or maybe has a collection of yellowing Ziggy cartoons taped to her fridge door.

Anyway, when I got home last night the care package had arrived. Dog greeted me at the door, happily whuffing away with her armadillo wedged in her mouth. Then I saw. It.

"What the hell is that?" I asked JB, gaping at the floor.
"That," he said grimly, "is what Joy sent Dog."

It's - it's just the weirdest fucking idea for a dog toy I've ever seen. It's a stuffed snake. Okay, but it's a BIG stuffed snake, about 4 feet long and thicker than your arm. There is a rattle at the end of the tail, and its face sports a vaguely menacing expression. A felt tongue pops softly out the mouth. The entire thing is colored in a vile neon green pattern.

It's the sort of stuffed animal that, laid on any floor in any room, instantly transports the décor to Early State Fair. If you won this thing at a ring toss, you'd cram it in the nearest cotton-candy-barf-filled trash can.

As for Dog, it holds no interest for her whatsoever. I tried, though, thinking that there must be some hidden appeal that Joy knew all about. I waved the snake in Dog's face. Shook the rattle. Draped it over her shoulders, pashmina-style. Nothing.

I just can't figure it out, you know? Like what was Joy thinking? That we would throw the snake, tail over head, for Dog to nab from the air? Dog, trotting merrily through our house, jaws clamped firmly on the head, several feet of snake bouncing and trailing behind? That at night Dog would curl up to sleep, the snake cozily wrapped around her?


Joy also told us that she thought Dog was getting a little porky- she casually referred to Dog as "looking like a goldfish". JB took great offense to this and sent a rather terse email explaining that Dog weighs the same as she did when we first got her and she gets plenty of exercise and shut up about the goldfish already. Ho, but the damage was done. Now we can't help but call her Fat Dog. When she rolls around grunting, which is a Top Ten Dog Activity, we yell "Pig dog! Sooo-WEEEE!"

So Joy has another adult lab dog that is retired from breeding named Mia. JB thinks that Joy really wants us to adopt Mia as we've been such a good home for Dog. And just after we returned from vacation, Joy informed us that her family was going on vacation in June, and could we possibly take Mia for that week?

Of course we had to say yes, right? But it seems a little fishy, as Joy has several dogs - all of them seem to have somewhere to go but Mia. JB is convinced that Joy is hoping that after a week with Mia, we won't want to let her go.

It really wouldn't make sense for us to get another dog. Dear GOD, the fur. And it would be like having, I don't know, a herd of cows in the house, or something. Cat certainly would not approve. Oh, and EIGHT muddy paws? No way. We're at capacity here. What with the new snake and all.

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
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Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
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