04.08.2003 - 8:13 p.m.
So I get to work today, and
IMMEDIATELY, and by "immediately" I mean "after
about two and a half hours", I noticed the Aragorn cardboard
standup that stands (dorkily) in a corner of my office had been
stolen! And replaced! With Lara Fucking Croft!
I was actually really embarrassed
it took me so long to key in on the fact that instead of hunky
old Aragorn standing there, all disheveled and, you know, ready
for a battle/palavar/hot sex session, there was Little Miss Vial-O-Blood,
crooking her finger in a weird come-to-my-videogame-world gesture.
Clearly, I would be no good at a crime scene.
Grizzled Detective: "Did
you see the murderer?"
Me: "Um. No, I don't think so."
GD: "He was seven feet tall, wearing a clown costume with
an inflatable sex doll strapped to his back."
Me: "Umm...maybe. Wait, no."
When the penny finally dropped,
I sent off one of those completely irritating wide-distribution
emails that you roll your eyes at before deleting. You know,
they're all "Important HR Regulations", or "Please
wash your coffee cup after use", or "Give me back my
fucking Aragorn, you propeller-headed dicksmacks, before I whip
the crap out of each and every one of you with a car antennna."
Eventually, after much sniggering,
Aragorn was returned and I-Frenched-My-Brother hauled away -
but not before several of us tried to put them in a compromising
position together, because when you've got two life size cardboard
figures in the same room that is CLEARLY the only course of action
to take. It's harder than you might think, is all I can tell
Speaking of annoying emails,
I got a message from a purchasing rep the other day, and it was
all "Dear Sundry, I have changed my address, here it is,
please update your records, blap-de-bloo, and oh by the way DO
NOT CHANGE THE BILLING ADDRESS. It stays the same! No change!"
and I was like okaaaaay, file that under F for Freak, and then
no shit one hour later I get another email from the same guy,
now in a total panic. "Just to avoid confusion! Do NOT change
the billing address! DO NOT CHANGE THE BILLING ADDRESS IT IS
I'm thinking what the fuck,
does this guy think I am the world's biggest moron here, or what.
So I replied: "Dear Lou, I have received both of your messages
regarding your new billing address, which I have updated according
to your records. Thank you for the information." And I sat
back and laughed until I peed myself a little.
Oh, it's all about the professional
attitude at my office. You know?
I found out that some sheepfucking
asshole stole my mail a while back - specifically, they stole
one of those checks that the cheesier credit card companies (I'm
talkin' about YOU, MBNA) send out hoping that you will shriek
with glee at being able to use their money for only a 4392% interest
See, I got this notice in the
mail months ago saying something nebulous about how someone had
been caught stealing mail, and it might have been my mail that
was stolen, and was this photocopy of a check made out to Sundry
my mail? And I wrote back and said yes indeed, that's mine, uh
huh, and then a long period of time went by and then I got another
notice in the mail saying Mr. Sheep Q. Fuckerdink had been accused
of the mail stealing and if I wanted to attend the sentencing
I could, and while that sounded sort of entertaining I really
didn't think much more about the whole thing.
Except when we refinanced the
house a while back I had some weird ding on my credit report
that hadn't been there before. So we got the full report, and
it turns out $600 had been somehow charged on this crap-ass ancient
MBNA account I had and because the credit card company had a
really old address on file (yeah, despite mailing me a check,
don't ask me) I've just been collecting late fees ever since.
Now I have to jump through
approximately eighty jillion billion hazillion hoops to get everything
straightened out - copies of this, copies of that, fraud alerts
filed, shit mailed here, seventeen hours on hold there. It's
a giant pain in the ass.
Almost makes me feel sorry
for poor Lou and his obsessive-compulsive billing address worries.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004