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01.24.2003 - 6:20 p.m.


This morning over coffee I saw on an article in the Seattle Times business section featuring a guy who was in my position before me at Workplace. He has launched his own company, a dream of his. I felt somehow brought up short by this, not jealous exactly, just...inadequate.

Does potential have a shelf life, I wonder. Is there a point where you look at your life and you are completely content. Is it fair, at all, for a person who has their health, who has a home, who has a wonderful spouse, to ask themselves is that all there is? To want more, even though you don't know what that might be.

This uncertain, vague self-scrutiny, I've been feeling it since a recent conversation with JB. He would like to have children soon. And me, well, the idea fills me with a cold, rising panic. It's not that I'm opposed to having kids. It's not that. It's just - I thought I would have achieved more first. This is the time in my life I'm supposed to be...working into the night on my rising-like-a-star-career! Traveling to Europe on a whim! Or - I don't know, something. That "something", I don't know what it is, I only feel I haven't done it. I don't feel ready.

And that's okay. To not feel ready. I'm 28. Except. I'm twentyfuckingeight, goddamn it, and I'll be 29 in February, and all sorts of people we know are having kids and and everywhere you look there's articles news segments interviews about how waiting is bad, and the pressure is there, I can't avoid it.

How did I get here so *fast*? My god. You're tripping along in your early twenties when you can still drink 8 kamakazes and not wake up clawing out your brain, you blink - and BAM, you're almost thirty, domesticated, 10 pounds heavier but none the wiser.

So. Well, so I was having kind of a blue morning. I got to work and there was this giant package leaning against my desk. I wasn't even curious, I figured it was some sort of printing sample or something. When I finally opened it I squealed loud enough to bring an engineer on the run.

In the box? A life-sized (5'9", if you want to know) cardboard standup of - ARAGORN! Sent by the officially-approved-for-sainthood Peachy.

All my grouchiness disappeared as I stood Aragorn across from my desk. He's been there all day, just all manly and studly and directing a piercing stare somewhere over my right ear. One of the engineers attached a little thought balloon to the wall next to him that says "SUNDRY. I am thinking of you."

I'm still immature enough to be smitten with the cardboard likeness of a movie character. Thank god.

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