12.30.2002 - 6:12 p.m.
For those who were looking
forward to a nice refreshing anecdote about my cat instead of
yet another boring entry focused on snot...
I am so sick of blowing my
nose I am ready to invent some sort of nostril-hoovering device
that merrily sucks out all of the contents of your head including
brains. My nostrils are all sore and chapped and flaky and I
want a t-shirt that says THOSE ARE NOT BOOGERS MY NOSE IS PEELING
I haven't had a good night's
sleep in days on end, because when my body is horizontal, my
nose freaks out completely. I wake up every hour, with a different
Right nostril: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
Left nostril: fweeeep.
Right nostril: SNRK.
Left nostril: (deathly silent)
Right nostril: eee.
Left nostril: Fwwooosh!
All I know is it better improve
before I have to step foot on a plane next Monday, or my head
will implode like a Vegas hotel.
I have a Top Secret recipe
to give to you. Now, I don't eat a lot of sweet things as a
general rule - my caloric vices are more in the 'anything alcoholic'
category. But last night, I had this, like, VISION of the perfect
dessert, which I will share, because I am all generous like that.
SUPER GOURMET INSTRUCTIONS:
Put some almond roca in a plastic bag, and whack it a whole bunch
with a hammer. Scoop some blops of a really good vanilla ice
cream into a bowl. Add crushed roca. Lastly, dump in some slivered
Oh yeah. The only thing
that would make it better is if maybe you did an enormous bong
hit ahead of time. Or if you ate it while having hot monkey sex.
(Not WITH a monkey.)
I had lunch today with a printing
rep I've worked with a lot lately. We spent almost the entire
time talking about our dogs. I realized at some point in my life
I will replace this boring drivel with endless factoids about
my children, and this dog-behavior-comparison is like training
for that time. Although secretly I felt superior because she
has two dachsunds which somehow seem sillier to talk about in
glowing terms than the Dignified Yellow Lab (who is occupied
currently with rolling on her back and grunting).
I noticed this dog-as-child phenomenon at the beach in Oregon
during Thanksgiving. We met up with some friends of ours who
brought their dog, and we basically did nothing but watch the
dogs playing and make little admiring comments. "Good catch,"
we would say with feeling. "Your dog is so good." "No,
It's funny how that's accepted
behavior among dog owners but not so much cats. Sitting at lunch
and talking about my cat today would have left me feeling vaguely
ashamed of myself. Feeling like the people sitting within earshot
were rolling their eyes and making gagging motions at my 'amusing
"And then, then she does
this thing we call Cat Cutoff where she shoots across your path
in the hall so you almost trip and kill yourself every single
time you go past her bowl. Oh ho HO, Cat Cutoff."
I'll just..leave that sort
of thing for this journal.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004