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11.06.2002 - 7:56 p.m.


You know when you want to update your journal, but nothing really interesting has happened lately or anything, so you think to yourself hey, just write about nothing! It worked for Seinfeld! and you just blindly start typing and that's how you start your entry?


The thing that has been most on my mind is this cornholing sheepfucker of an eye twitch I recently acquired. It's in the lower eyelid of my left eye, towards the outer corner, and it feels BLEAH. Like a larval insect trying to crawl out from underneath my eyesocket. Like I'm a cartoonishly bad character in a movie. Like I want to inject about 74982019345 cc's of Botox directly into my eyeball RIGHTNOWGODDAMMIT.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things an eye twitch is not on the same level as say, decapitation or spontaneous combustion. All I know is that it's driving me crazy. Supposedly, an eye twitch can be caused by 1) stress, or 2) eye strain. To address #1, I've prescribed myself a daily dose of hot cider and spiced rum. Shut up, it's medicinal.

Regarding #2, I tried purchasing a pair of insanely dorky reading glasses that are supposed to help/shade against computer glare. So far, I have achieved the dubious effect of looking like a cross between a librarian and a Very Uptight Performing Artist, but I'm not sure they're doing much else.

Since I spent 8+ hours a day with my gaze virtually unwavering from a computer screen, I suppose the occasional eye twitch is to be expected. Solution: add more rum.

I'm not the only one suffering from weird involuntary muscle reactions, it seems my pal Peachy is too. No, she's not flailing her arms wildly in giant windmill motions while simultaneously revolving her head on her neck a la 'don't EVEN, girlfriend', although that would be funny. It seems she has a twitch, too, only it's in her eyebrow.

Now, really, between the two of us she clearly has the cooler twitch. She can use it to give off an air of "whaaa?" and "your idea is fucking retarded, but I could never say that, so instead I will merely arch my eyebrow at you, albeit really quickly."

In comparison, my eyelid fluttering up and down like a loose window blind can do me no good. It says, "I am winking at you, not in a coy way, but in a repetitive and freakish fashion."

"I'm going crazy inside and don't know how to stop the voices. Call the police."

You know who *else* has an eye twitch? Kramer. On Seinfeld. Full circle, bay-bee.

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