11.06.2002 - 7:56 p.m.
You know when you want to update
your journal, but nothing really interesting has happened lately
or anything, so you think to yourself hey, just write about
nothing! It worked for Seinfeld! and you just blindly start
typing and that's how you start your entry?
The thing that has been most
on my mind is this cornholing sheepfucker of an eye twitch I
recently acquired. It's in the lower eyelid of my left eye, towards
the outer corner, and it feels like...like BLEAH. Like a larval
insect trying to crawl out from underneath my eyesocket. Like
I'm a cartoonishly bad character in a movie. Like I want to inject
about 74982019345 cc's of Botox directly into my eyeball RIGHTNOWGODDAMMIT.
I realize that in the grand
scheme of things an eye twitch is not on the same level as say,
decapitation or spontaneous combustion. All I know is that it's
driving me crazy. Supposedly, an eye twitch can be caused by
1) stress, or 2) eye strain. To address #1, I've prescribed myself
a daily dose of hot cider and spiced rum. Shut up, it's medicinal.
Regarding #2, I tried purchasing
a pair of insanely dorky reading glasses that are supposed to
help/shade against computer glare. So far, I have achieved the
dubious effect of looking like a cross between a librarian and
a Very Uptight Performing Artist, but I'm not sure they're doing
Since I spent 8+ hours a day
with my gaze virtually unwavering from a computer screen, I suppose
the occasional eye twitch is to be expected. Solution: add
I'm not the only one suffering
from weird involuntary muscle reactions, it seems my pal Peachy
is too. No, she's not flailing her arms wildly in giant windmill
motions while simultaneously revolving her head on her neck a
la 'don't EVEN, girlfriend', although that would be funny.
It seems she has a twitch, too, only it's in her eyebrow.
Now, really, between the two
of us she clearly has the cooler twitch. She can use it to give
off an air of "whaaa?" and "your idea is fucking
retarded, but I could never say that, so instead I will merely
arch my eyebrow at you, albeit really quickly."
In comparison, my eyelid fluttering
up and down like a loose window blind can do me no good. It says,
"I am winking at you, not in a coy way, but in a repetitive
and freakish fashion."
"I'm going crazy inside
and don't know how to stop the voices. Call the police."
You know who *else* has an
eye twitch? Kramer. On Seinfeld. Full circle, bay-bee.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004