11.03.2002 - 5:33 p.m.
We have some weird neighbors.
There's the freaky lady down
the street who once shuffled over in her bathrobe to let us know
that our cat was hanging around in her bushes (that's the Cat
Bar & Grill) and when we acknowledged the fact she bizarrely
tried to give JB a high five.
There's the people two houses
away that own the World's Loudest bird. If it turns out that
it isn't a bird at all but is actually a pterodactyl,
carefully grown from hunks of petrified dinosaur shit, I would
not be surprised. Its squawk is a jillion decibels loud and can
be heard from space.
And there's Martine, who lives
across from us. Martine has called us about twenty times, because
if we do anything publicly visible she has to comment on it.
"Love the new bushes," she gushed when we did some
landscaping in the front yard. "I see you have a new mailbox!"
when we, you got it, installed a new mailbox. She once called
to ask, "So are you by yourself this week?" about 15
minutes after JB left for the airport.
So we get back home from a
night out watching a movie (Jackass: it's a urine-snowcone-eating,
pants-shitting, wasabi-vomiting good time) and there's a business
card in our door. From A POLICE OFFICER. Scribbled on the back
of the card it says 'Received a complaint about your dog barking.
Might want to leave the dog inside while you're gone.'
Wow, we said to each other.
What asshole called the police? And is our dog really barking
while we're gone? Jeez. We decided that it must be the new neighbors
that moved in next door, because anyone else surely would have
called us first. I wanted to go over and talk to them, but JB
decided to call Nosy Martine, just to see if she had noticed
the dog barking.
JB: "Hi, Martine? JB here.
Listen, we just got home and we have this notice that the police
Martine: "Uh, maybe it was because your dog was barking."
JB: "It was you that called?"
Martine: stammer stutter stammer
Martine, who has never failed
to get in touch if we alter the pattern of our parking by .00004
inches, called the COPS on us! I was furious. I mean, the very
least you hope for from your neighbors, other than them not having
a meth lab in their garage, is that they call YOU before the
police. You know?
I spent most of the night feeling
1) really angry with Martine, and 2) really worried that Dog
had developed a split personality and spent her entire time alone
barking her brains out.
So this morning Martine calls.
I let her call 3 different times without answering, because I'm
still pissed. When I finally talk with her, it's the most uncomfortable
conversation I think I've ever had. She tells me she's so sorry,
that she made a mistake. She says she's been sick lately and
thinks maybe she should go to the emergency room but she's got
to get to work instead and it is really stressing her out.
She cries. She mentions her husband and kids were gone last night
and she probably wouldn't have called the cops if they were there
(?). She says the dog had been barking 'a little' and our backyard
motion light kept going off (duh, triggered by the dog) and it
had scared her. Okay, I manage to get in edgewise, just call
me next time instead of the police. Oh she will, she will, she's
sorry, but I just need to understand all the pressure
she's been under lately.
Yeah, so I'm less worried about
the dog now, but more worried about Little Miss Nervous Breakdown
across the way.
On the plus side, it's given
us fodder for retarded jokes. What's the best possible way to
resolve any given problem? Why, you call the police, of course!
Me: "Cat, watch your step, or I will GET THE COPS on your
JB: "Let's have dinner
Me: "Myeh. How about 6:30?"
JB: "Don't make me CALL THE POLICE."
In totally random news, I made
a green tomato pie today. You, the one barfing up a lung - it's
really good. No shit.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004