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10.16.2002 - 7:16 p.m.


It's 6:15 AM. This is when JB usually gets up in the morning, feeds the dog and the cat, then jumps in the shower. You, being a lazy slut, like to sleep until around 7:15 or so.

Sadly, JB is out of town. And so at 6:15 sharp, you are greeted with this:

It's intrusive! It's wet! It's a giant dog nose and it's in your face! You are prodded from head to foot in an insistent manner, and while you try and burrow deep within the bedsheets she roots you out like she is a pig and you are a giant truffle.

Please, you beg. Please just go back to sleep for a little while. Please. But no. It is too late. She realizes she has woken you up and so she does her Victory Wiggle, which consists of rolling on her back, preferably coating as many pillows with fur as possible, kicking her feet, and grunting.

Shielding yourself from flailing dog feet with a book, you play dead. You try to convey the appearance that you are much too exhausted to get up and pay attention to some dog. The cat is completely disgusted by the entire display and curls in a disdainful ball.

Whuuurgh, you groan. Mwuaaaah. Just 15 more minutes, you beg Man's Best Friend. I swear I will get up in 15 minutes. You screw your eyes shut tightly. The Victory Wiggle stops, and the dog jumps off the bed. Yes, you think. Oh god yes. Just go out and lie down in the living room.

But all is not well. You feel a creeping sense of guilt. You're not sure why, until you open your eyes and look down at this:

And so you get up and you feed the dog. It's 6:18. She has trained you well.

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0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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