10.16.2002 - 7:16 p.m.
It's 6:15 AM. This is when
JB usually gets up in the morning, feeds the dog and the cat,
then jumps in the shower. You, being a lazy slut, like to sleep
until around 7:15 or so.
Sadly, JB is out of town. And
so at 6:15 sharp, you are greeted with this:
It's intrusive! It's wet! It's
a giant dog nose and it's in your face! You are prodded
from head to foot in an insistent manner, and while you try and
burrow deep within the bedsheets she roots you out like she is
a pig and you are a giant truffle.
Please, you beg. Please just
go back to sleep for a little while. Please. But no. It is too
late. She realizes she has woken you up and so she does her Victory
Wiggle, which consists of rolling on her back, preferably coating
as many pillows with fur as possible, kicking her feet, and grunting.
Shielding yourself from flailing
dog feet with a book, you play dead. You try to convey the appearance
that you are much too exhausted to get up and pay attention
to some dog. The cat is completely disgusted by the entire
display and curls in a disdainful ball.
Whuuurgh, you groan. Mwuaaaah.
Just 15 more minutes, you beg Man's Best Friend. I swear I will
get up in 15 minutes. You screw your eyes shut tightly. The Victory
Wiggle stops, and the dog jumps off the bed. Yes, you think.
Oh god yes. Just go out and lie down in the living room.
But all is not well. You feel
a creeping sense of guilt. You're not sure why, until you open
your eyes and look down at this:
And so you get up and you feed
the dog. It's 6:18. She has trained you well.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004