09.22.2002 - 3:39 p.m.
A bored-on-Sunday afternoon
ode to Google hits. Actual search terms are in bold. (Um, edited to say: these are search terms that linked to this diary – not my *own* searches. Doy.)
fucking home gyms
Give in to that late night infomercial, you been eatin nachos
drinkin Bud Light, buy the shit, you know it ain't gonna work
but you do it anyway, and what happens - zilch, motherfucker.
female butt exam
Last time I had this done it was part of the whole Pap smear/coochie
platypus deal. The kindly doctor let me know it was coming by
saying gently the following terrifying words: "Ok, just
a quick finger in the bottom." Is there anything worse than
the shameful oily sensation afterwards? You know what
I'm saying, right?
I did some some kind of Yahoo personal ad thing a few years back,
on a total whim resulting from my friend telling me that she
had only received about 3 responses to her ad. I thought, hell,
I can beat that. And I did - I got about 80 responses. I figure
that's because mine said I liked drinking beer. Plus her screen
name was something like sillygiggles. I'd be afraid of
Out of all the responses I
thought one or two guys sounded interesting, and I wrote them
back a couple times. After that I immediately lost interest in
the whole thing because JB and I were just starting to hook up.
I still like reading them now, though, whether it's in the Seattle
Weekly or whatever. It seems much like reading strangers' diaries,
getting that peculiar little glimpse into someone's head.
If you have a cherub on your wastebasket, it's probably a safe
bet you and I don't have much in common.
I've never taken vicodin. I totally would, though. Totally.
just like Aeron Chair
I hate my Aeron chair at work. Seriously, it's like my arch nemesis
(for the record, JB's arch nemesis is a stump in our front yard
that he can't pull out - man, we would make lame superheros),
I wrestle with the damn thing almost every day. It's hard to
adjust and it just isn't all that comfortable. I don't know why
they cost so fucking much, honestly.
i have red blotches on
Me too. They are called toenails, and I just had them painted
a lovely shade of crimson the other day when I indulged in a
pedicure. I was stupid, though, and wore a skirt to my appointment,
and spent the whole time wondering exactly how many people could
see my panties while I sat there with my feet propped up.
Best celebrity goatee: Dennis Hopper in those Gap ads.
Hm. Would the punishment be wearing the petticoat, or would there
be more? It Remains A Mystery.
Oh, a turd icon. Wouldn't that be fun to replace someone's Recycle
Bin icon with a giant steaming turd? Or maybe make it
someone's wallpaper. Yeah, that would be better. They would come
in, sit at their desk, maybe yawn and stretch, log in, and BAM
- monster greasy dog turd on their screen. And then they would
be all, ha ha very funny, and they would go to change it - but
you would have thought of this, and all their options would be
various turds: monkey turds, elephant turds, raccoon turds, wallaby
turds, mouse turds, whale turds, Drew Carey turds.
give you an enema
What? I'll give YOU an enema, you fucker! Oh wait, you would
like that. Riiiight.
scalloped sunburst squash
when to harvest
This is my last google search. I am such a deviant.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004