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09.22.2002 - 3:39 p.m.


A bored-on-Sunday afternoon ode to Google hits. Actual search terms are in bold. (Um, edited to say: these are search terms that linked to this diary not my *own* searches. Doy.)

fucking home gyms
Give in to that late night infomercial, you been eatin nachos drinkin Bud Light, buy the shit, you know it ain't gonna work but you do it anyway, and what happens - zilch, motherfucker.

female butt exam
Last time I had this done it was part of the whole Pap smear/coochie platypus deal. The kindly doctor let me know it was coming by saying gently the following terrifying words: "Ok, just a quick finger in the bottom." Is there anything worse than the shameful oily sensation afterwards? You know what I'm saying, right?

personal ads
I did some some kind of Yahoo personal ad thing a few years back, on a total whim resulting from my friend telling me that she had only received about 3 responses to her ad. I thought, hell, I can beat that. And I did - I got about 80 responses. I figure that's because mine said I liked drinking beer. Plus her screen name was something like sillygiggles. I'd be afraid of that shit.

Out of all the responses I thought one or two guys sounded interesting, and I wrote them back a couple times. After that I immediately lost interest in the whole thing because JB and I were just starting to hook up. I still like reading them now, though, whether it's in the Seattle Weekly or whatever. It seems much like reading strangers' diaries, getting that peculiar little glimpse into someone's head.

cherub wastebasket
If you have a cherub on your wastebasket, it's probably a safe bet you and I don't have much in common.

vicodin overdose
I've never taken vicodin. I totally would, though. Totally.

just like Aeron Chair
I hate my Aeron chair at work. Seriously, it's like my arch nemesis (for the record, JB's arch nemesis is a stump in our front yard that he can't pull out - man, we would make lame superheros), I wrestle with the damn thing almost every day. It's hard to adjust and it just isn't all that comfortable. I don't know why they cost so fucking much, honestly.

i have red blotches on my toes
Me too. They are called toenails, and I just had them painted a lovely shade of crimson the other day when I indulged in a pedicure. I was stupid, though, and wore a skirt to my appointment, and spent the whole time wondering exactly how many people could see my panties while I sat there with my feet propped up.

celebrity goatees
Best celebrity goatee: Dennis Hopper in those Gap ads.

petticoat punishment
Hm. Would the punishment be wearing the petticoat, or would there be more? It Remains A Mystery.

turd icon
Oh, a turd icon. Wouldn't that be fun to replace someone's Recycle Bin icon with a giant steaming turd? Or maybe make it someone's wallpaper. Yeah, that would be better. They would come in, sit at their desk, maybe yawn and stretch, log in, and BAM - monster greasy dog turd on their screen. And then they would be all, ha ha very funny, and they would go to change it - but you would have thought of this, and all their options would be various turds: monkey turds, elephant turds, raccoon turds, wallaby turds, mouse turds, whale turds, Drew Carey turds.

give you an enema
What? I'll give YOU an enema, you fucker! Oh wait, you would like that. Riiiight.


scalloped sunburst squash when to harvest
This is my last google search. I am such a deviant.

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0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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