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08.04.2002 -




Ashley the Dog has entered our lives as of yesterday morning, when JB brought her home in the 4Runner. We, as new dog parents, are goofy with affection and constantly unsure of our actions ("Should we, like, hold the leash higher…or maybe lower?"). Dog seemed to adjust easily enough to the new backyard, the new owners, and the new, pissed-off Cat.

She's 5 ½ years old, so she's not rambunctious like a puppy. She gets excited about having a Frisbee thrown to her, but basically just chills out when there's no action going on. Happily, she is really good on a leash - totally relaxed and doesn't pull. The one behavior issue I think we need to work on is "come". She's iffy on that one, and not so good off-leash. But then again, we ARE total strangers to her. I wouldn't come if some random person called me, either.

The Cat-Dog vibe is not so hot. Cat is disturbed and disgusted by Dog, and performs an impressive Halloween cat display when she sees Dog, accompanied by a shockingly fat, puffed-up tail. She then says "RrrrrrrrrrrrrFFT!", which prompts the previously blasé Dog to issue a short bark. Cat disappears under the bed, Dog is gently reprimanded, and the whole thing repeats itself. Mostly the cat hangs out in the bedroom if the dog is inside, which is where she normally is anyway.

So all was fine and dandy last night as we retired for the evening. Dog was stretched out on her dog bed in front of a dwindling fire. "Awwww", we simpered as we crawled into bed. Fast forward to 7:30 this morning, as JB strolls out to the living room and greets Dog.

"Hey girl! Hey girl! Good mor-" I hear JB's voice cut off abruptly. "Babe," he then says in a strange tone. "You need to get up and come out here."

Oh shit, oh shit, I think to myself as I struggle into a robe and head out to him. Is the dog dead? Is the cat's lifeless body draped over Dog's incisors? What?
JB points dramatically to the kitchen. There, in the middle of the floor, is a single turd. "Oh, bummer," I say with some measure of relief. "Well, it's, you know, a strange house and-"

JB stops me. "Look around the corner," he says. So I do.

Friends, what I saw there…well, it was worthy of a Guinesss Award of Dog Bowel Achievement, if there is such a thing. There was Turdzilla, the monster of all turds, accompanied by Sons of Turdzilla. There were Daughters of Turdzilla and Associated Smaller Family Members. And there was what I can only describe as the Great Brown Sea.

JB's voice was actually quavering. "We are NOT prepared for this. This is NOT a 'Swiffer' job." I suggested we simply walk away, move into a hotel, and sell the house, which seemed like the only possible course of action.

I won't go into the details of the cleanup, suffice to say it involved 4829 pieces of paper toweling, and the strategic use of paper plates. And one point JB said "You better hold that bag open for me, 'cause I've got a maaajor plate of shit here."

Here's the only explanations I can come up with: we fed her different dog food than what she had been used to. That is known to cause upset tummies with dogs. Also, we hadn't made sure she went out right before bed. Her previous owner told us she never had accidents inside, so either she was lying through her teeth and her family is now rejoicing in their new shit-free home, or Dog simply couldn't hold it.

But honestly, I had no idea one dog could produce so much. I mean, a PIG, sure, but a dog?

Lucky for us we had been to Costco earlier. Because although we went there to see if they had doghouses, we ended up buying like 40 rolls of paper toweling. We also bought:

* Mega-pack of Mach3 razors
* Vat of ibuprofen the size of a pickle jar
* Eighty billion million rolls of toilet paper
* Biggest jug of Listerine EVER

Neither one of us had ever been to Costco before. It's crazy, all the stuff that you are used to seeing in its normal size, all monstrously huge. It's like the whole store was blasted with some radioactive wave that enlarged all these consumer products into mutant versions of themselves.

Dog is crashed out on her bed right now, while Cat lounges haughtily in the bedroom. It's a lazy Sunday afternoon, and I think I'll go finish Me Talk Pretty One Day. To leave you with an image so cute it will BURN YOUR RETINAS, here is Dog at a younger age:


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3 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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