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08.04.2002 -
Sunday
HOLY SHIT, ISN'T SHE THE CUTEST
THING EVER?
Ashley the Dog has entered
our lives as of yesterday morning, when JB brought her home in
the 4Runner. We, as new dog parents, are goofy with affection
and constantly unsure of our actions ("Should we, like,
hold the leash higher…or maybe lower?"). Dog seemed
to adjust easily enough to the new backyard, the new owners,
and the new, pissed-off Cat.
She's 5 ½ years old,
so she's not rambunctious like a puppy. She gets excited about
having a Frisbee thrown to her, but basically just chills out
when there's no action going on. Happily, she is really good
on a leash - totally relaxed and doesn't pull. The one behavior
issue I think we need to work on is "come". She's iffy
on that one, and not so good off-leash. But then again, we ARE
total strangers to her. I wouldn't come if some random person
called me, either.
The Cat-Dog vibe is not so
hot. Cat is disturbed and disgusted by Dog, and performs an impressive
Halloween cat display when she sees Dog, accompanied by a shockingly
fat, puffed-up tail. She then says "RrrrrrrrrrrrrFFT!",
which prompts the previously blasé Dog to issue a short
bark. Cat disappears under the bed, Dog is gently reprimanded,
and the whole thing repeats itself. Mostly the cat hangs out
in the bedroom if the dog is inside, which is where she normally
is anyway.
So all was fine and dandy last
night as we retired for the evening. Dog was stretched out on
her dog bed in front of a dwindling fire. "Awwww",
we simpered as we crawled into bed. Fast forward to 7:30 this
morning, as JB strolls out to the living room and greets Dog.
"Hey girl! Hey girl! Good
mor-" I hear JB's voice cut off abruptly. "Babe,"
he then says in a strange tone. "You need to get up and
come out here."
Oh shit, oh shit, I think to
myself as I struggle into a robe and head out to him. Is the
dog dead? Is the cat's lifeless body draped over Dog's incisors?
What?
JB points dramatically to the kitchen. There, in the middle of
the floor, is a single turd. "Oh, bummer," I say with
some measure of relief. "Well, it's, you know, a strange
house and-"
JB stops me. "Look around
the corner," he says. So I do.
Friends, what I saw there…well,
it was worthy of a Guinesss Award of Dog Bowel Achievement, if
there is such a thing. There was Turdzilla, the monster of all
turds, accompanied by Sons of Turdzilla. There were Daughters
of Turdzilla and Associated Smaller Family Members. And there
was what I can only describe as the Great Brown Sea.
JB's voice was actually quavering.
"We are NOT prepared for this. This is NOT a 'Swiffer' job."
I suggested we simply walk away, move into a hotel, and sell
the house, which seemed like the only possible course of action.
I won't go into the details
of the cleanup, suffice to say it involved 4829 pieces of paper
toweling, and the strategic use of paper plates. And one point
JB said "You better hold that bag open for me, 'cause I've
got a maaajor plate of shit here."
Here's the only explanations
I can come up with: we fed her different dog food than what she
had been used to. That is known to cause upset tummies with dogs.
Also, we hadn't made sure she went out right before bed. Her
previous owner told us she never had accidents inside, so either
she was lying through her teeth and her family is now rejoicing
in their new shit-free home, or Dog simply couldn't hold it.
But honestly, I had no idea
one dog could produce so much. I mean, a PIG, sure, but a dog?
Lucky for us we had been to
Costco earlier. Because although we went there to see if they
had doghouses, we ended up buying like 40 rolls of paper toweling.
We also bought:
* Mega-pack of Mach3 razors
* Vat of ibuprofen the size of a pickle jar
* Eighty billion million rolls of toilet paper
* Biggest jug of Listerine EVER
Neither one of us had ever
been to Costco before. It's crazy, all the stuff that you are
used to seeing in its normal size, all monstrously huge. It's
like the whole store was blasted with some radioactive wave that
enlarged all these consumer products into mutant versions of
themselves.
Dog is crashed out on her bed
right now, while Cat lounges haughtily in the bedroom. It's a
lazy Sunday afternoon, and I think I'll go finish Me Talk Pretty One Day. To leave you with
an image so cute it will BURN YOUR RETINAS, here is Dog at a
younger age:
*SHRIEK*
go back :::
forward
3
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004
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