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07.26.02 -


I am, at the moment, wrestling with my chair. I do this a LOT. It's an Aeron chair, so based on the price alone it should theoretically be capable of positioning me precisely in the most ergonomically correct manner while simultaneously baking me some oatmeal cookies and finding my G spot. But instead, I find that the 14 difference controller thingies that make it higher/lower/stiffer/more lemony/whatever give me entirely too many options and I thrash around with it on a daily basis, always assuming that if I get it juuuust right I'll be all blissed out.

You have to have dreams, you know?


I was talking with my Funky Boss earlier about dating. Even back when I was single, I didn't do much dating. I kind of just either had a boyfriend, or I didn't. Funky Boss, on the other hand, is a proactive dater. He even does personal ads. It sounds exhausting, in a way, that whole getting-to-know-each-other thing, the meeting-for-the-first-time thing, the moment-of-sinking-disappointment-at-the-other-person's-appearance thing.

He's got some pretty entertaining stories from the depths of Dating Hell, but the best so far was the crazy voicemail chick. This girl, who I guess he had been casually seeing, tried to call him around midnight and couldn't get through on his cell - so assumed he was out with another girl (when he was actually at the office with the phone turned off). Funky Boss played the messages for me:

1st message - around midnight.
Tone: breezy, falsely confident
"Hi, Funky. Well, ha ha, gosh, it's around midnight and you're not answering your I guess that means you're out. Listen, you know, it's kind of lame that you're just, you know, out with some chick right now, and I think...I think it would just be best if we don't see each other any more. So, let's just call it good, no big deal. Thanks, I'll see you around sometime."

2nd message - around 1 AM.
Tone: angry, tense
"Listen, Funky. I think it's pretty much total bullshit that you're just....running around with some slut. (A bunch of rambling shit about Funky's 1) personal finances 2) ex-girlfriend and 3) job). So, just FORGET IT, Funky. You are a total shit and I never want to see you again!!!"

3rd message - around 1:30 AM.
Tone: completely out of control
"I just want you to know you are the biggest bastard that has ever walked the fucking EARTH and I better not see you out with your slut-ass girlfriends (a blathering rant that lasts 5 minutes) and I'm going to come to your favorite restaurant every fucking day just so I can laugh at your fucking ass and I hate your guts and-"

Freaky. Too bad it didn't occur to her that the object of her hatred could someday play her incriminating voicemails on speakerphone for an office drone who laughed so hard they almost peed their pants.


Ok, so this weekend? We're totally going to try and get a DOG! We've been talking about it forfuckingever and now we're just going to take the plunge and go to the humane society. We both really want a lab, and according to there are a couple cutesy-wootsy golden labs available.

I'm worried about how the cat will handle this new addition to the family. I mean, all of a sudden there's a big panting thing that tramples you and probably licks you and stuff? Yeah, it sounds good to YOU, but you're all weird like that.

Cat is looking great these days. She no longer looks like she is trying to digest a cantalope. It's more like a...softball, or something. I put her outside every morning, to enforce some kind of exercise. It makes me feel like the meanest asshole in the world, every single time, too. There she is, all crashed out on our bed, curled like a furry cashew nut - and I reach down to pick her up and she makes this super pathetic squeaky sound like I am crushing all of the air from her lungs. Then I toss her outside where she shakes her head and blinks at me: "Why have you done this to meeee?"

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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