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06.25.02 -


So I'm getting really busy at work, because of this impending tradeshow. Coordinating tradeshows is great fun IF you are:
- Detail oriented to the point of an obsessive-compulsive disorder
- Motivated by panicky, last-minute projects
- Filled with a warm sense of accomplishment sending your company into bankruptcy

There's all these annoying things you have to rent (Fun Fact: a garbage can costs $59.50). The other day I had to fill out a form requesting electricity for the booth. You have to pay for the electricity, so you have to request a certain number of watts - based on your estimated usage.

To me, this is like saying "Please enter the amount of the estimated cubic feet of oxygen you plan to consume during the show". I know a 100-watt lightbulb seems, oh, I dunno, pretty bright. That basically encompasses my entire grasp of the concept of electricity in general.

Which made for a pretty fun time a couple weeks ago when we had an electrician working in our house. He tried to explain everything he was working on to me, but it all came out like that Far Side cartoon: "Blah blah blah GINGER". I did my best to nod sagely at his descriptions but I must not have fooled him, because he started dumbing it down to flatworm level and even though I still didn't get it I upped the head-nod body language until I was like "Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh!" - which just got ridiculous after a while, plus it hurt my neck.

So I went shopping at Sports Authority the other day. For some reason, I like to call it "Respect my Sports AuthoritAY!" like Cartman. Um, because South Park references are so fresh and unique. Anyway, if you haven't been to one, it's like a big GI Joes. If you haven't been to a GI Joe's, then, well, where the fuck do you live, anyway? Guam?

In addition to camping equipment and basketballs and cheesy informercial-hawked ab machines, Sports Authority sells gym clothes. And I was in dire need of a new sports bra, because my old one finally burst at the seams and a hunk of underwire now protrudes from the cleavage area, threatening to deflate my hooters.

Sports bras are hard to shop for, you know? I always have to try them on, because if I don't it is absolutely guaranteed that whatever I purchase will not fit. This phenomenon actually applies to any article of clothing, including sunglasses and baseball hats. "One size fits all" my ASS.

I chose a brand that claimed to "Control Movement" while simultaneously "Preserving Natural Shape". In Sports-bra-ese, these means that theoretically I wouldn't jiggle all over the place while skipping merrily down the street, and my chest would retain its normal boobaciousness which includes two entirely separate entities and not one shelflike unit.

Of course, all Sports-bra-ese is a filthy lie, and of course my chest was constricted to a weird molded shape that was not only unattractive, but still jiggly - the only 'improvement' was that it was only one unit of jiggle instead of two. Also it had this disturbing straightjacket appearance and required a rather complicated method of wriggling into it that I figured would add unnecessary stress to my life, not to mention the lurking threat of entrapment.

I ended up with a mesh dealie that unfortunately still results in Uniboob, but is at least semi-comfortable and a little better on the keeping-movement-to-a-minimum front. In case you were on the edge of your seat, or anything.

Oh, and I also got a pair of Looks Great While Standing, Less So Whilst Sitting shorts. Do you have any of those? They're short and give you longish looking legs while you are standing up, but they ride up and expose too much thigh when sitting down. I don't know why I buy this shit. It's like I have some sort of retarded inner voice that takes over when I go shopping: "Yeah, it seems like they ride up when you sit, but surely this is a problem only related to the fitting room and will not affect you in your daily life at ALL, which definitely does include long periods of sitting."

go back ::: forward

06.21.02 - Marketing traditionally knows fuck-all about how stuff actually works, we just come up with all the blather to sell it.
06.19.2002 - "I have never heard of anything like a pants-horn"
06.14.02 - Who are these giraffelike creatures and why are pants being designed only for them?

0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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