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04.02.2002 - 9:50 a.m.

Home again home again jiggety jog - finally back from a weekend at the in-laws. MAN, that's a bitch of a drive. It's got about, I don't know, a BILLION hours of boring I-5 scenery heading south, then a vaguely more interesting but equally long stretch towards the coast. We get somehow giddy with the tediousness of it, like it's some form of lame nitrous oxide. A couple of actual excerpts from the trip:

The scene: Passing by a reeking paper mill.
Hours into the drive: 4.5.
Boredom stage: Deranged Singing

JB: (in horrible, putrid singing voice): WELLL it's sad we can't hear… us workers at the mill, it's real LOUD in heeere….
Me: Oh no. Oh god. Don't. Just stop.
JB: I said, it's all stanky, at the MILLLL.
Me: Please, stop the torment...your voice is literally destroying my internal organs.
JB: You want stankum, you got your FILL!
Me: I will call 911. Seriously. This is, like, unreal. Your singing should be used as a national weapon or something.
JB: There's only MENNNN at the stinkmill, it's so NIIIIIICE!!!!!
Me: I am getting a divorce when we get home.
JB: (insanely loud nasal honking tone) OHHHH IT'S A GAY MAN'S PARADIIIIIISE!!!!!!


The scene: Bland stretch of blah
Hours into the drive: 6
Boredom stage: Meandering Otherworldly Conversation

Me: You know what are cute? Burros.
JB: Burros.
Me: Yeah, burros. All furry like.
JB: Hooookay.
Me: I bet you don't even know what a burro is.
JB: Hell if I don't.
Me: You probably think it's a horse or something.
JB: What? Bullshit. Exactly how many burros have you seen?
Me: I would have to say….at least 37.
JB: That's a bunch of crap. You've probably seen like 2.
Me: No way.
JB: Burros are mules.
Me: "Burros are mules"? Allrighty Dr. Doolittle. Mules are the product of horses and donkeys, and burros are something entirely different.
JB: Oooh, something different. If mules came from horses and donkeys, then what made a burro?
Me: What do you mean, what MADE a burro? Do you think all animals came from the combo of 2 other animals? Here's you: "Hi I'm JB and I'm a dorkopotamus and I think horses came from a tiger porking a lobster.'
Me: Hee.
JB: You know very well the lobster would have to pork the tiger, not the other way around.
Me: But how would they…? I mean, they would need like props or something.
JB: ANYWAY. Burros are just wild mules.
Me: Wild.
JB: Yeah, like Wild On E, but with more hot burro action.
Me: I am not on board with this. Nor with the weird-disparate-animals-porking-to-make-new-animals-theory.
JB: Well, just remember you have to pork UP. You can't pork down. Then it's physically impossible to give birth.
Me: Oh, THAT'S the implausible part.
JB: For instance…skunk. Skunk equals bobcat and…
Me: Zebra?
JB: No. DUH.
Me: Well, a platypus is obviously a beaver and -
JB: - an otter?
Me: What? You are brain damaged, dude. A DUCK. A beaver and a duck. It's OBVIOUS.
JB: Ohh. Yeah, that makes sense.

(contemplative silence ensues for several miles)


We stayed Friday night with a couple of friends in Eugene, who produced a massive sushi feast for us. They had told us ahead of time that they had been 'experimenting' with homeade sushi - to which my internal response was 'Oh goody! We can all projectile vomit together when the salmonella kicks in! What a fun bonding activity!', but they used smoked fish and the like. We all hung out in their hot tub afterwards and sipped beers - it was a very pleasant night indeed.

Oh, one funny thing that happened was that when we all dried off and headed back inside I was right in front of our friend Keith - and suddenly, without any warning, I received an enormous whack on my butt. SWOT! I had a split second to ponder his motives (is he hitting on me? um, or just hitting me?) before whirling around to observe his look of sheer horror.

"Oh god! I thought you were Emily!" he choked. I wish I were the sort that could really draw something like that out, make him think I was really freaked or whatever, but my poker face is shit so I just cracked up. The rest of the night I tormented him by announcing whenever I walked somewhere. "Ohhh Keeeith…I'm going to go to the kitchen now….just letting you know it's MY butt going by!"

Saturday and Sunday we hung out with JB's family. It was a good time. His dad just bought a Harley, I can't remember what kind but it's LOUD and BIG and also did I mention LOUD? I went for a short ride around the block and felt all Biker Babe, except I had a too-big helmet on and no leather chaps (mmm…chaps).

There's one thing that really sucks about staying with the in-laws. One thing that chaps my hide above all else (ooh, there's that chaps word again). I mean, I have lots of pet peeves - like people who consistently use a possessive apostrophe in a plural noun: 'and then I ate some apple's' - but this transcends even that. JB's parents only buy 1-PLY TOILET PAPER.

You think this is no big deal? Whatever. Try blowing your nose on 1-ply. It's disgusting. You have to strategically fold it over like 100 times to be certain you won't blast right through it. And as for its main purpose - well, let's just say it isn't nearly as comfortable or productive as it should be.

Then driving driving more driving to get back home yesterday, where the cat greeted us with joy and tears streamed down our faces from the contributions she had determinedly been making to her litter all weekend.

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go back ::: forward

03.29.2002 - Let's all just take a moment and wallow in jealous hatred.
03.27.2002 - It was all very Punk and Totally Rebellious. Except that it sucked
03.26.2002 - The thing about eating no carbs is that every trip to the kitchen is a mini tragedy.

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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