03.20.2002 - 5:27 p.m.
It started snowing this afternoon. It's awesome, these big thick
fluffy white tufts flying around. I walked home from the bus
stop earlier, and I was wearing a black coat, and I felt adorned,
ornamented by snow. The flakes are so huge and soft and
wet that when they fall on your face it's almost like being kissed.
Except, well, they're freezing cold and really soak you and it
definitely shits the bed when you get one in your eye and I guess
it's really not like being kissed at all.
Life is never as romantic
as it should be.
Anyway, this morning I
had to head on out to the DMV and take the dreaded driving test,
my comeuppance for letting my license expire. I was nervous as
hell during the whole thing. It didn't help that the clerk that
conducted the test was about as warm and friendly as a drill
sergeant. She issued little short barking commands and sat with
her mouth pursed, beady little eyes watching my every move.
I did pass, which I suppose
after all I did expect, but the one thing I did wrong was backing
my car around a corner. You have to park, then creep backwards,
keeping less than 12 inches from the edge of the street. I promptly
ground my tires into the curb - MONNCCH. "Heh," I said
weakly, and tried it again. SQUONNCH. I slid a glance over to
Brunhilda and saw her checking something off on her little 'why
Sundry should fail' sheet. "Forget your so-called test!"
I yelled, ripping her paper to shreds. "When the hell would
I need to back up like this anyway? Like if a fucking rhino
was charging my car?"
No, what I really said
was something desperate like "Third time's a charm, ho ho,"
and finally got the stupid car around the stupid corner.
When I got my photo taken,
the guy swung his computer around to show me what it looked like.
"BAH!" I said. "Holy shit, I can't live with that
for 5 whole years. Please, for the love of god, take another
picture!" I don't know how to describe it, other than I
looked like a drooling retard attempting to appear coy. He was
nice enough to take another shot, in which I have a goony grin
plastered on my face, but at least I don't look like a Jerry's
Random - on the back of
my 'driving test score sheet' it says, in part: "A good
citizen complies with the rules and laws because it is the right
thing to do. Be a good citizen." Freaky DMV uber-lords.
03.19.2002 - The
only way I could have injured a potential attacker is if they
got hernias from laughing at me.
03.18.2002 - The
yard, the creek! The pretty stained pine on the inside!
03.14.2002 - Someone's
gotta be bikini-waxing the hell out of those chicks, too.
ARTIFACT: Bad driver's license photos (posting
these takes COJONES, dammit).
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004