2002-03-04 - 12:22 p.m.
JB left yesterday on a business trip. For two weeks. To Malaysia,
Thailand, and China. This will be the longest trip he's taken,
and the most varied in travel agenda.
I can't image a more disparate
two weeks that a couple can have. Exotic Asia locales vs. the
couch at casa de Sundry. It's hard when he goes away, especially
since I've been out of work. I get tired of my own self at times.
Oh, I think, passing a mirror, it's you again.
With JB gone the days are
much as they always are, unremarkable stretches of sometimes
boring tasks, time-stealing bits of things to do. At night, though,
the house feels oppressively quiet. My attention span dwindles
to zero and I oscillate between reading, the computer, the television
- everything on TV seeming more garish and frantic than usual
- ready to crawl into bed by 9 PM.
I think it's an acquired
skill, being content with only yourself for company. I used to
be good at it. I spent years living by myself, pleased by the
fact that I could do whatever I chose in my own personal space.
I liked my own little rituals, my own ruminations.
It's different now, though.
I've grown used to having someone around. Someone to whom you
can share your thoughts, your triumphs and failures. Someone
who can join you in a silly song about the cat. Someone whose
body curves against you in bed and makes you feel safe.
Someone who helps fill
the time, in the nicest way possible.
Time is something I've
got a lot of, lately. Time that I can't help but wish would pass
by more quickly, so I could get to the better stuff, already.
To that great job. The new house. The goddamn lawnmower in the
garage, the dog in the yard.
I feel, sometimes, like
my days go by and instead of existing as the past - simply disappear,
banished by my own command.
Except for the fun things
I do with JB, or friends, or family. Does it ever seem as though
something is not really experienced without someone there to
share it with you? Or someone to tell, later?
I'm thinking this is another
why in my list of reasons I'm keeping this journal. Because,
and I am trying not to sound hackneyed, time is too valuable
There are things I need
to relearn, and things I need to change.
JB is in Singapore today.
It seems a place millions of miles from here. And yet when he
called this morning, his voice was as clear as if he were in
the next room. While I suppose that says something nice about
ATT, what it made me think was that loneliness - like everything
is - is subjective.
Changed by a voice. Changed
by an email, a photo, a fleeting thought. By nothing more than
a new moment, different from the last.
PS: I promise to write
something funny tomorrow.
go back :::
2002-03-01 - "Yoop.
Yoop. Yoop. Blargh."
2002-02-28 - Are
they going to insert a toilet snake down my throat or something?
2002-02-27 - I
heard the gelatinous-face-with-cat-hairs-stuck-to-it look was
de rigueur this season.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004